Let's Face It - Movie Theaters are Doomed

I keep hearing the annoying question all the time about "what do we have to do to get people back in the theaters", and "...the film industry is in trouble...", "...this is a crisis...", and so on.  These questions are always strangely posed as a consumer related issue, and whereas I don't disagree that there are certainly problems, I'm not sure the consumer is solely to blame.

I just came from a movie theater for the first time since before COVID and I'll tell you this...I don't plan on returning.  Seeing a movie in a theater, specifically a mega plex, meaning an AMC or Regal, etc. is just the biggest pile of you know what ever.  Why on Earth would I WANT to do this on a regular basis??

Here, let me explain.  First off, you have to reserve a seat, of course.  Why?  Beats the hell out of me because 50% of the time I arrive and some dufus is either sitting in my seat or like tonight they take the seat literally right next to me while the entire rest of the row is empty.  I mean, seriously?  And so, I end up sitting in a different seat...so why did I reserve a seat again?  Not sure.

Next, I had the pleasure of sitting through 35 minutes of commercials, AMC pat on the back reels (talking about how amazing their theater was...wow), and the most god awful movie previews ever imagined (I actually thought 2 of them were a practical joke).  The scheduled time of the film was 7:45pm; it finally started at 8:20pm.  What was the win here exactly?  Nothing, because none of it was anything but complete torture, marketing, and just to be clear...when I watch a film at home, um, the film starts when I intend to watch it and press 'play'.

Then, there's the seat itself.  You know, these supposedly comfy reclining chairs?  If you ask me, they're gross (always strangely warm) and just kind of ridiculous but honestly they're the least of my complaints in the grand scheme.  However, if I want the seating to resemble something from my living room, then why not just actually BE in my living room?!  Hmm.

And so, to the film industry, I am going to give you the SECRET to resolving your movie going problems and ongoing questions.  If you really want to solve the movie theater going problem, you should:

1) Go back to the old movie theater format.  Please tear down all the mega plexes and never, I repeat never, build another.  At the most, a theater should show 4 movies in 4 different theaters all of the relative same size.  Preferably, movies should be shown in the old preserved theaters that are still standing, making absolutely no need for any goofy new theaters.

2) Get rid of reserved seating.  No one likes it and it simply has no purpose except for being a pain in the *ss, requiring people to purchase tickets online, jump through a bunch of hoops, and so on.

3) Stop trying to entice the masses with offering alcohol, wider food menus, and the idiotic "we'll deliver it to your seat" idea that tonight's theater had.  If you can't handle getting your popcorn on the way in, it must not be very important to you so please do without.

4) Stop making everything a touchless and digital experience.  If I'm going to a theater, believe it or not I actually want a little bit of human interaction on some level here and there.

5) And, last but certainly not least, and this one is not to be missed...  Above all...start focusing on making intellectually stimulating, interesting, daring, and overall creative films again.  Stop the nonsense; stop the dumbing down of plots; stop the pointless action films; stop the never ending idiotic sequels; stop trying to turn films into an amusement park ride experience; and for god sake's stop the super heroes already.  Hire real writers who actually have ideas and who can actually write a script.  Then, allow directors and film makers to do what they do best - create art.  Period.  Yes, it's really that simple.  "If you build it, they will come".  Let's not forget those immortal words...ironically taken from a film, of course.

The film I saw tonight was beyond awful ("The Shrouds") but only made worse by the entire AMC Theater experience.  It also set me back about $40 for one person including the so-so popcorn and medium drink.  The mass exodus out of the theater really isn't only about the money, though.  There's simply nothing appealing about the experience and that's exactly the problem.  Change it already.

Of course, there IS ownership on the audiences as well.  We need to put the damn phones down, start paying attention, start being courteous to one another, and start allowing art to flow through us again for without it we're becoming a mere shell of what we once were, in fact we're moving closer and closer to looking like the very AI we all fear.  At this rate, AI will be more real than us.  Scary.