Please Don't Bend My Fish

The next time you’re at the airport preparing to take a flight, you might want to pay careful attention to what you’re wearing, especially if you just came from a Godspeed You! Black Emperor concert.

I just recently came back from a quick trip to Arizona.  It was a really short trip but I still managed to see a couple friends of mine and a long desired show in Tucson, AZ.  The concert was one of those gift shows that don’t come along that often by a band called Godspeed You! Black Emperor.  I’ve listened to them for about 13 years and I’ve always wanted to see them live but, up until this year, they’ve been quite elusive with their touring.  In fact, they were a defunct band for most of the past decade and so no chance existed whatsoever of seeing them.  It was earlier this year that I stumbled upon the news of their reforming and more extensive tour schedule, and so I filed potential plans in the back of my head, just in case I could somehow make it work once the time came closer.

Don’t be too terribly thrown off by their name; Godspeed You! Black Emperor are sort of an obscure instrumental band that plays rather long, almost cinematic pieces of music with lots of thundering guitars and such.  They’re not exactly well known but are in fact very well respected with lots of artists claiming that they were influenced by their work.

The show itself was absolutely fabulous, possibly the best show I’ve seen this year aside from the all day 60^th birthday John Zorn fest at the Walker in April.  Because of the rarity of this performance, I opted to buy a t-shirt, something I don’t do very often at this point in life simply because I’m not very into the whole concert shirt experience any longer.  Still, I do sometimes buy the more obscure looking shirts, meaning ones that don’t have the usual tour dates and such listed on them, and I like supporting the smaller bands.  This particular shirt fit the bill perfectly and since it was a band that I’ve always wanted to see, I couldn’t help but opt for it.

This t-shirt is so obscure that it doesn’t even list the band name anywhere.  Pretty weird, right?  Instead, it has a star symbol on it with the words “Don’t Bend Ascend” around it in a circle which is part of the album title, along with the words “More of us than them amen”.  To be frank, it’s a bit of a strange shirt, hence why I liked it.

Since I flew back to Minnesota the following day after the show, I just sort of naturally opted to wear this new shirt of mine and didn’t think much of it.  Well, fast forward a few hours to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, where I’m casually standing in line to go through security.  I had already noticed a couple puzzled looks at my t-shirt along the way but, again, I didn’t really think much of it.  And so, I made my way through the line and was admiring the fact that one of the TSA agents that was checking tickets and ID’s was particularly smiley and friendly, talking extensively to every passenger.  I’ve just never seen a TSA agent show much sign of a personality up until this point and so I was kind of amazed by this.  Also, she was mildly cute…what can I say?  I was kind of looking forward to having her “check me out”.

Just as I was about 2 people away from being next, two male TSA agents came out of nowhere and stood behind the friendly female TSA agent.  These two guys were the typical TSA type – zero personality, no smile whatsoever on their face, and looking as serious as possible.  Being the space cadet that I am, nothing seemed that strange about this until the next person went up and I was next in line.  It was then that I noticed that these two unhappy TSA agents were in fact both staring directly at and analyzing me.  I suddenly had a lump in my throat.

The male TSA agent with the bigger scowl at this point walked straight up to me and locked eyes.  Talk about intimidating!  Looking directly into my eyes, he asked, “What exactly does your shirt mean?”

And then, it started to sink in.  Oh cr*p!  I’m wearing this new t-shirt!  Is there something weird on it?  I frantically tried to remember what was on it without looking down or nervous.  I simply replied as calmly as possible, “It’s just a band shirt, that’s all.”

I knew exactly what question was coming next.  “What band?”

Again, somehow remaining calm, I said, “Godspeed You! Black Emperor,” realizing all the while how ridiculous and suspicious that probably sounds to an unhappy TSA agent.

The guy, still without any sign of life and looking intently at me, said dryly, “Never heard of them.”  I had no answer for this.  Not knowing what else to say, I simply shrugged, thinking, oh geez, here we go, I’m going to be searched and who knows what else.

Now, to make this even more amusing, I must mention the ‘fish’.  While visiting with some friends just hours before, of whom I had enlisted to dress up a singing fish battery operated statue to look like Elvis for my “It’s Raining Elvis Fish!” tribute album cover, they had in fact given me said fish, complete with Elvis costume, and it was in my suitcase of which I was now holding.  Upon giving it to me, my friend said, “I guarantee you…they’ll be searching your luggage upon seeing that fish!”  Well, these words now echoed in my head.  The TSA agents were already concerned that I might be a terrorist wearing terrorist propaganda on my t-shirt AND I just happen to have an Elvis dressed fish in my suitcase!  I’m screwed!!!

At this point, the friendly female TSA agent said, “Next please!” and I made my way to the podium.  As I walked up, the other male TSA agent tapped her on the shoulder and took her place.  He promptly grabbed my ticket and ID and I simply waited for the order to go in the back for a more thorough checking.

Much to my surprise, after a few seconds, he simply handed back my ticket and ID and said, “Thanks!  Have a great flight!”  I walked forward, dumbfounded, still mildly concerned that I was maybe being setup or the fish would set off some sort of ‘alarm’ when going through the x-ray machine, but once again nothing of the sort happened.  Instead, I was free to continue on in peace and with dignity.

All I can say is it’s a damn good thing I didn’t name the album something like “It’s Raining Bin Laden Fish!” while wearing a Three Mile Pilot shirt that shows a plane going up in flames.  Now, try and explain that one...