The Ballad of the Tom Waits Ticket – Part 1

(This is a 2 part entry about my struggle to see Tom Waits on his most recent tour of the South and Midwest. If these entries don’t clearly display why I should be committed, wearing a straight-jacket in a white padded room, I don’t know what would. This entry is rather long winded so depending upon your interests you might want to skim over it or possibly skip ahead.)


I love Tom Waits; I hate Tom Waits. No, no, I loooovvvveeee Tom Waits. No, definitely not, I hate Tom Waits.

Tom Waits is a god of music. Nope, Tom Waits is a total bastard. The verdict is in: the piano has not been drinking after all, and it is in fact me.

Waits’ wrote “…misery’s the river of the world…” and perhaps it is. I’m not entirely sure that I disagree with that statement wholeheartedly, but “misery” is definitely the river of getting yourself a decent ticket to one of his shows. Now that I think about it, calling it misery is putting it lightly.

I think I totally lost it the week of August 6th. I don’t know if you could call it a nervous breakdown or anything but I assuredly lost it, perhaps mentally, and at the very least ticket wise, twice to be precise.

Let me start at the beginning. Most of my friends would tell you that I’m one of the most concert or show going people they’ve ever met. I’m a true diehard when it comes to music and I treat it closer to a religious experience than anything resembling entertainment. I’ve seen so many live shows that most people would faint at the sheer number and I’m known for traveling out of state to see performances. I should also add that I’m a bit of a show snob, and after seeing so many performances I’m usually only interested in getting a seat in the first 10-15 rows of the main floor. If this can’t be accomplished for some reason, I won’t attend.

Obviously, some artists mean a lot more to me than others, especially these days after seeing almost everyone I’ve ever wanted to see. Enter Tom Waits, someone that I’ve listened to and put into the musical “god” category for nearly 2 decades now. I first stumbled upon Waits’ back in 1987 during an episode of I.R.S.’ “The Cutting Edge”, I.R.S. being a spin-off record label from the Warner Music Group whose video show aired weekly for awhile. I was waiting one evening to see a homemade video of R.E.M. singing some songs in someone’s house and, of course, due to their popularity they were pushed to the very end of the show. What popped up in the meantime was the video “Blow Wind Blow” by Tom Waits, someone I had never heard of let alone actually heard. My initial thought was, “Who the heck is this guy?” After listening and watching for about one whole minute I also came to the conclusion that he was completely insane. The song “Blow Wind Blow” resembles an old carnival or vaudeville styled tune from the ‘20’s that went wrong somewhere, with Waits sitting on a chair with a large female marionette that’s supposedly singing the song by his command. At the end of the video, Waits’ keels over and the marionette pulls out her hand from inside his back, her hand all the while dripping in blood. It was one of the most terrifying things I’d seen AND heard up until that point and I had no idea what to make of it. I never thought in a million years I’d ever listen to the guy.

About a year and a half later, however, I suddenly had the strange overwhelming urge to buy the album and give it a chance. I was mesmerized, blown away, and completely enchanted. I’d never heard anything like it before and never have since. Ever since that day I’ve been a mega fan. I bought every album that came out as well as older work and couldn’t get enough of the guy. I finally got to see him live in 1999 in Los Angeles, CA, at the Wiltern Theater. I had a 3rd row center ticket, directly behind James Spader, of all people. The show is still in my top 3 of all time and considering the amount of shows I’ve seen that’s saying an enormous amount. I’ve always said that if I ever had the chance to see him again I’d go to any length to do so. I didn’t realize I’d go insane in the process, though.

It should also be stated that Waits’ does not perform live very often. His last tour was in ’99, and I don’t believe he played another show until 2004. In that year I think he played only one show in the US in support of his latest album “Real Gone” which had just been released days earlier.

You can therefore imagine the excitement when I received word out of the blue that he was going on a mini tour hitting Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Michigan, and also one show in Chicago at the Auditorium Theatre. This was the biggest news for Waits’ fans in years and was sure to be a sellout within a matter of minutes.

Residing in Minnesota, the only reasonable distance for me to travel was to the Chicago performance. I therefore focused all of my attention on getting a ticket for this. My plan was simple: I only need one ticket so it should be relatively painless since I figured most people purchase in pairs. All I’d have to do is be one of the first people in the Ticketmaster queue and I should do fine. Ah, if only life was this easy…

A couple things to note: first, the promoters of this tour had put a two ticket limit per household for all ticket sales and if you didn’t follow this rule your order was subject to being cancelled. No biggie, I’m only one person, at least physically speaking. The tricky part though was that all sales for “premium” seats, meaning anything I’d want, were available via will call only, and only the person who actually purchased the seat(s) could pick it up the day of the show. This was in order to prevent scalping, Ebay sales, etc.

Now, let me recap what happened in ’99. I was living in Phoenix trying to get a ticket for one of the three L.A. performances, mind you, and I had this bright idea that I should go to Tower Records in person, talk to the clerk a few minutes beforehand, and convince him to be the first person to pull the tickets from their Ticketmaster system. At that time, I thought my plan was quite flawless considering I’d be the only person in Phoenix pulling a ticket for an L.A. show at that exact moment and I’d therefore be first in line. The internet was sort of new to me back then so I didn’t understand that buying tickets in that manner was probably more sensible. Anyhow, I got to Tower about 5 minutes before the sale began, I talked to the guy behind the counter, and he slowly made his way over to the Ticketmaster desk. I didn’t want to be pushy but I began pleading with him and trying to explain the sense of urgency here, how important it was to me, how I expected tickets to sell out very quickly, and he still moved pretty slowly regardless. I began to get a little nervous and couldn’t help but glance at my watch every 30 seconds or so. He finally got to the Ticketmaster computer and nonchalantly asked me once again, “Ok, what did you need a ticket for?” “Tom Waits”, I said rather impatiently, “at the Wiltern Theater, in L.A.” He grimaced and said, “Never heard of ‘em”, as if his stamp of approval meant anything at all to me. I thought to myself, “Good! Now just pull the freakin’ tickets, will ya? And hurry!”

Still obsessed with looking at my watch, I noticed that there was only about a minute to go before the tickets were opened up for sale and yet the guy was still taking his sweet time. I was beyond nervous now, starting to sweat, and suddenly needed to use the bathroom for no apparent reason. The clerk hit some buttons and then asked, “Oh yeah, here it is. How many tickets do you need?” I told him the number again and thought “thank goodness”, believing that we had made it just in time. Upon looking at my watch I realized that tickets were now definitely on sale, and I felt reasonably safe in thinking that he was pulling them for me. My dream was shattered when he suddenly yelled out across the floor, “Hey Bob, this thing isn’t working! What’s goin’ on?” I nearly fainted. The next 10 minutes were spent with these two guys trying to get their Ticketmaster computer to work and of course I knew that the show was probably completely sold out by then. In a sheer panic, I persuaded the guy to let me into the backroom so I could call Ticketmaster directly over the phone. I had to wait through all the various menu’s, etc., and by the time I talked to a shadow of a human being, of course all that was left were individual seats 3 rows from the very back of the balcony. I think I cried.

In the end, I was beyond lucky by finding someone that had bought two tickets from a scalper when she only needed one (ticket agencies usually sell all tickets in pairs). She advertised in the Sunday L.A. paper and stated she just wanted what she paid for the ticket and that the first caller would be the victor. By some stroke of luck I was the first caller, or perhaps it was my pleading on her answering machine that won her over. Either way, it all worked out in the end and was worth every single cent and ounce of energy.

Still, you’d think this would have been a tip off to me that tickets on this go round could also somehow get messed up. Needless to say, I didn’t get the tip and pure hell arose.

This time I thought I had it all planned out perfectly. Tickets went on sale for the Chicago show on Saturday, July 15th. I decided I’d go into work that day and use their high speed connection since I only have dial-up currently at home (I know, I know…don’t say it!). I got there 30 minutes early, opened up my Ticketmaster windows, relaxed, tried to maintain my composure, and patiently awaited the beginning of the sale. Nothing could possibly go wrong…except that I’m an idiot.

Usually, Ticketmaster lets tickets trickle out a little at a time, in other words the first released tickets are normally not the best available. You kind of have to work it, keep pulling tickets until you land upon what you think you should be getting. Also, in all of my years of pulling tickets over the internet, Ticketmaster has never been on time for anything. If it says tickets go on sale at noon, they’ll assuredly open up around 12:06pm.

And so, it’s 11:59am. I occasionally refresh the page and nothing looks different. I’m not expecting anything to change for another 2-4 minutes. I hit refresh a couple more times rather calmly and then notice that very little changed on the page but indeed something did in fact change that I hadn’t previously noticed. Holy crap, they opened the tickets at 11:59am! In a blind panic I utilize my 100 wpm typing speed and get into the queue via 5-6 opened windows. I’ve never in my life seen Ticketmaster so jammed, so much so that the “searching for tickets” page remains on my screens for about 1-2 minutes before any results come back. I’m beyond nervous and scared to see what tickets the system chooses for me. To my horror, they’re all seats in the balcony, and not even very good seats, for that matter. It’s only then that I look closer and realize that the front page had 2 options, one for “standard seating” and one for “premium”. The whole thing happened so fast that I hadn’t realized this and simply chose the first option available, which, you guessed it, would normally have been the most expensive offering but of course, with my luck, not this time. I mistakenly chose “standard seating”, hence the balcony selections, and by the time I figured it out all the tickets were sold out. Again, I was ready to cry. Déjà vu!

To make matters even worse, Chicago was the last show to go on sale and so there weren’t even any other on-sale options if I wanted them at that point. And, of course, there wasn’t an option of buying from a ticket broker this time around due to the anti-scalping policies. I did look on Ebay and I’ve had enough issues in the past that I don’t trust the “send me the money up front and I’ll meet you at the venue” situation. It just sounded way too risky to me, considering the drive and all. There was only one option…to hope that Ticketmaster would release some decent seats closer to the actual show date that were reserved for VIP’s that for some reason, at the last moment, couldn’t make the show. This is pretty standard practice and almost every performance has some seats that get opened up later on; the trick is to be online at the precise moment that the seats are opened up.

And so begins the insanity. The show was three weeks away from the on sale date and I looked every single day, every moment I remembered, for a ticket to the Chicago show. I became completely obsessed with getting a decent ticket for this performance and it quickly completely consumed me. The week of the show arrived and I knew I had to look every chance I got. I kid you not, I hit the Ticketmaster site more times than McDonald’s Big Mac’s have been sold. I’ve now seen every single “word verification” (when you search for tickets on their site, you have to type in a word that’s displayed in order to proceed) that they have on their site, all the way from “fungian” to “unlaid” to “myopsis”. I’ve seen the “Sorry, no tickets match your request” page more times that I ever should have in my entire life. I’m still having nightmares about it, in fact.

Two days before the Chicago show I’m in a total panic. No tickets have opened up at all up until now, most likely due to Chicago being a higher profile city. I’ve seen great seats open up for Louisville, Memphis, etc. but I pass them up truly believing that I’ll get a seat for the Chicago show. The day of the show arrives and I’m beyond nervous. I didn’t sleep well that night due to having nightmares of getting a bad ticket. The plan is to literally get a ticket and run out the door, quickly driving down to Chicago from Minneapolis (it’s about a 5-6 hour ride). I obviously have to leave by about 1pm in order to make it.

10am…nothing. 10:30am…nothing. 11:00am…still nothing. 11:30am…more nothing, and I’m really getting worried. 11:45am…tickets pop up! Alas, they’re in the back of the venue, not what I want. I keep searching and a couple more come up but still not what I’m looking for. Suddenly, a weird one pops up, I think located in the box level of the venue but I’m not entirely sure. This would work! I hit “seating map” and the page clears. Oh shit! I didn’t HIT seating map, I hit “search again” out of sheer force of habit! I frantically try to pull up this seat again and unbelievably a few minutes later I do. This time I do hit “seating map” to see where it’s located specifically and the page doesn’t come up. I’m confused by this but still concerned that the seat isn’t where I think it is, and I want confirmation before I actually purchase it and get on the road. I try to access the Chicago Auditorium website but it won’t come up either. What’s going on? None of my internet windows work except the one that’s holding the ticket, and I have only 3 minutes before the ticket automatically gets put back in the queue for someone else to purchase. I’m confused, panicked, and truly don’t know what to do. I’m on the last page before I actually purchase the ticket and for some stupid reason think that maybe I reached the threshold for open windows or refreshes on Ticketmaster’s site. I close out of all of my windows, restart my computer, and sure enough…the internet connection had broken, hence the windows not opening up. What are the odds of the internet connection breaking at that exact moment of success? In near hysterics, I decide to drive to the nearest alternative internet connection. I speed down the highway, login, and proceed to sit at the computer for the next 4 hours trying to get a ticket. Nothing at all comes up. To add insult to injury, I finally get to look at the seating map and the ticket that I did have reserved momentarily in the box section of the auditorium would have indeed been fine if I had only been able to confirm the location. Sigh. Somehow this seems like poetic justice in some cruel way, and evidently some other lucky bastard got to enjoy my seat that night, the one that I should have just clicked one more time and it would have been mine. My luck had run out. The ballad of the Tom Waits ticket was over.

Or was it? After being thoroughly depressed about what had happened, I spent the next 12 hours trying to adjust to the fact that I wasn’t going to see Waits’ perform this time around. I had almost completely accepted this fact when the most bizarre announcement was posted on a blog: Waits’ would play one more show at midnight at the Cleveland House of Blues, ironically the same night as the Akron show! At first I completely doubted this and thought someone was playing a joke on me. Could this be? Waits’ doesn’t play club shows and hasn’t for years. Are you serious? 2 shows in one night? Indeed, it was serious, and so the madness began again, just as I had accepted not going. My new idea was to go to both the Akron and the HOB show on the same night. It seemed like insanity, would cost me a fortune…but who cares! The plan was simple: as long as I could get a ticket to the HOB show, I would then spend night and day on the Ticketmaster site trying to get a seat to the Akron performance. This sounds insane to any normal person; for me, though, this was totally logical and sensible, and a challenge I couldn’t resist.

I figured I’d fly out to Ohio, and just as I had decided to do this the London thwarted airline terrorist threat was announced. The news states that flights are grounded, new security guidelines are in place, the lines through security are hours long, etc. Clearly someone doesn’t want me to go to this show!

I top my own madness with yet another crazy idea…I could drive to Akron! Heck, it’s only a 10 hour ride one way! It would depend upon when I actually got a ticket for the Akron show, of course, but it is a possibility.

The tickets for the HOB show went on sale the next day and I easily got a general admission ticket, probably because no one was aware that they went on sale due to the short notice. And now only one task left…to get a ticket to the Akron show, and a decent ticket is really what I want. And so, the madness continues, and I search, and I search, and my last ditch effort is to spend all day Saturday (the shows being the very next day) looking for one decent ticket. My plan is that upon getting one I’m out the door and on the road (sound familiar?).

10:00am…nothing. 11:00am…nothing. 12:00pm…nothing. 1:00pm…nothing. 2:00pm…nothing. 3:00pm…nothing. Evidently no tickets were going to be released and perhaps I underestimated the popularity of this last show of the tour. I give up. I call it quits. I have failed yet again. It’s time to drink heavily. I’m totally depressed.

Just then, at 3:45pm, some tickets finally open up. They’re in Row X of the main floor, a bit further back than I wanted, but something is better than nothing and perhaps this is livable. I think on it awhile and finally decide to purchase the ticket. I can’t believe it…I’m going to see Waits, after all of this! I’ve never spent so many hours on any show in my entire life and I certainly hope I never have to again!

It’s too late to drive now and I’m already tired. I book my airfare which costs close to most people’s rent payment, hoping for the best at the airport with the increased security and all. I’m ready to expect anything, such as my flight being cancelled, myself sitting in the airport knowing that I actually do have tickets to both shows but can’t go due to the airport shuffle, or something like that.

I’m still not really pleased about the Row X seat, and so for some odd reason I decide to look one last time for a ticket at 4:15pm. I can legitimately buy 2 tickets for the show, remember, but no more than that. I tell myself before I hit search that I’m only going to look one more time and then after that I need to walk away. I shake on it (with myself). I hit “search”…and 4th row Main Floor comes up. It is located way off to the side but still…I swear I heard angels singing. I’m beaming, and I decide to hit “seat map” just to verify where the seat’s located…and I hit “search again” AGAIN out of force of habit! I scream, starting to yell every obscenity I know out loud at my computer! I can’t believe I had the very thing that I had just spent 200+ hours looking for and like a total idiot lost it again! I start trying to pull it up again frantically, still swearing, but it’s not coming up.

6 minutes later, by some miracle, as if the gods decided that they had played enough cruel jokes on me, the 4th row seat comes up again. Clearly someone else had pulled the ticket and decided against it. This time I do actually buy it. Believe it or not, 200+ hours later, after hours and hours of lost sleep, hysteria, and total madness, as President Bush would say: “Mission accomplished”.

As unlikely and insane as it is, I’m unbelievably off to Ohio.



To Be Continued…