“Do you want me to beat you?”
I’m sure you can imagine the puzzled look on my face along with the complete lack of knowing how to respond.
The lady shuffled slightly, looking agitated, and then repeated more sternly, “Do you want me to beat you?”
What exactly is the correct response to this sort of question? I guess if we were in an adult toy shop or something similar it might be expected, but not in a (choke) bowling alley. To make it even more disturbing, it was the lady that hands out the bowling shoes asking this, completely out of the blue, and I had absolutely no clue what exactly she meant by this. I was scared to ask for I might end up with a demonstration. The scariest part was that she did sort of resemble the steakhouse waitress towards the end of “Sideways” so the way I was interpreting this comment seemed rather viable.
Not everyone wants to beat me, though, thankfully. Some prefer to just make me completely insane: enter the phone company.
A couple months ago I awoke shortly after going to sleep to a horridly annoying beeping sound. I put it off for quite some time since it only beeped about once every five minutes and I was terribly tired. Eventually the beep would win and I would become annoyed enough to wake up just to the extent of being annoyed at the fact that I was waking up. Hopefully you followed that sentence since I don’t think I could possibly write it again.
Ever since working nightshift for two and half years a decade ago I simply can’t wake up without getting a good seven hours worth of sleep, and if I attempt to I almost immediately have a pounding headache. My head hurt more than normal since not only was I tired but annoyed on top of it. I quickly traced the beep to my security system in the house, one panel being in my bedroom. The interesting part is that I don’t pay for a security service so I’m not even sure what the system does, what its’ point is, etc., and quite frankly I’d turn it off if only I could find a switch labeled “power”.
It also didn’t take long for me to remember that I had previously heard this annoying beeping noise coming from the security system the day I moved in. Upon inquiring about it the previous owner had explained that whenever the phone line went down that the system would beep to alert you to the issue and the only solution she was aware of was to “hit random buttons until it stops”. Very techy remedy, isn’t it? Either way, it was all I had to go on.
And so at 1:30am I start pressing random buttons like I was instructed. After a few pushes the system gives a different pitched “beep!” I assume that this means it’ll shut its’ trap now. I then promptly go back to sleep.
Probably about one hour later the beeping returns and I start the whole process all over again, the slowly being annoyed enough to awaken just enough to be annoyed, and so on. I hit the “random buttons” again and the system gives me that “beep!” like it understands the task at hand. This time, however, I’m doubting the system and I’m thinking it just might be a liar. I also decide to pursue further and pick up the phone; sure enough there isn’t a dial tone. Surprise, surprise!
I return to my bed and nearly pass out from annoyance and sleep exhaustion. 30 minutes later the beeping begins again almost as if it’s taunting me, sort of like an older sibling pulling away your favorite toy every time you grab for it. Now I’m ticked and push the buttons on the system rather hard. The system still gives the obligatory “beep!’. Yeah, right! You just don’t get it, do you?!
I have no idea how many times I did this that night but somehow I eventually got to sleep peacefully. In the morning the phone line was still down and it wasn’t until I returned that evening from work that I first heard it come back on.
The next day I had a ticket to see a show downtown so I ended up getting home rather late. I was dead tired, or maybe dog tired…I get those two confused. I’m really much more of a cat person but I’ve never heard of anyone being “cat tired” so I’m not sure if that applies or not. Either way, I think I actually fell asleep as my body was in mid-air heading towards landing on the mattress.
Two hours later, I hear the blasted beeping again. It doesn’t take long to awaken me this time and I promptly yell out, “Oh no, not this sh*t again!!!” I slam my hand against the security panel and grumble as I return back to my bed. The system says “beep!” as if it’s trying to give me a sense of comfort. I can almost imagine it muttering in an evil robotic voice: “Yes, that’s right, relax, fall asleep, get comfortable. I won’t interrupt you…hah, hah! Sucker!!!”
I decide I’m not going to play this game again. I’m too freakin’ tired, I’m not in the mood, and furthermore if I have to press those buttons one more time I think I’m going to slam my head through the wall trying to press them. No, instead, get a screwdriver and figure out how the heck to turn the power off to this thing.
I remove the screws and pull the panel off the wall, half expecting a power switch (yeah, I know, don’t say it). My only option is to pull 1 – 4 random colored wires out of the unit and hope that it doesn’t have a battery backup. I don’t like the idea of leaving unprotected wires in my wall, however, and none of the wire nuts that I have will catch on these thin wires. I ultimately have no choice but to leave the wires dangling. Also, just for good measure, I decided to check the phone and sure enough it was out again. What’s with this city? It wasn’t even raining any more at the time so does the slightest wind blow the lines down? Odd.
I get back into bed but now I can’t sleep because I’m paranoid that the house is going to catch on fire from the bare wires in the wall. Eventually, though, I pass out and I’m still alive when I awake in the morning. I reconnected the wires and put everything back as it was before heading off to work.
A couple days of silent nights go by and I forget all about the beeping entirely. Then, one weekend night, once again somewhere around 3:00am, it’s happening again. At this point I decide that I’ve had enough and I need to investigate further.
I had now deduced the following: a) the phone line is always down approximately 18 hours before coming back online, b) it usually happens in the middle of the night, and c) I do believe that it happens always after a rain storm. Hmm…it’s clearly time to call the phone company, at least to figure out if it’s just my house having the issue or if the entire city’s being beeped at.
I call the phone company from work the next day. After navigating through countless pointless menu’s that never even hint at the possibility of a human being answering the phone, I finally just persistently hit ‘0’. The automated voice says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your request.” I again hit ‘0’: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your request.” After repeating this multiple times it gives up and transfers me to an actual human being.
A middle aged sounding lady answers the phone and she already sounds annoyed before I even say anything. We go through the usual 20 questions about my name, address, mother’s maiden name, shoe size, underwear preference, etc. and finally get to the real business. “Can you tell me if you’re having any issues in my city recently?” I ask. “My phone line keeps going down and I’m trying to figure out if it’s just me or if everyone’s having a similar problem.”
“I have no idea, sir,” the lady says.
“You don’t keep records or have any log of repairs?”
“No, sir, we don’t keep track of that information.”
I’m slightly shocked. “So, you’re saying that when you repair fallen lines, you don’t keep any sort of record of that?”
“We simply don’t track that information, sir.”
Clearly a different tactic was needed. “Well, then how do I figure out if it’s just my phone line or if others are having the same problem?”
The lady paused. “You need to call us when you’re line is down and we can tell you.”
Now I’m confused. “You want me to call you when the phone’s not working, is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes, you need to call us at that time.”
Is it just me or does this make absolutely no sense? “But ma’am, the phone line is down.”
“Exactly, sir, that’s why you need to call us at that time.” She seemed satisfied by this but it still sounded like pure insanity to me.
“How can I call you if I don’t have a phone line???”
At this point, the operator changed the approach. “Sir, what happens when you call yourself? Do you get a busy signal or does the phone ring?”
I did a phone double take. “I don’t know, ma’am, I don’t normally make a habit of calling myself, not to mention the fact that I can’t since I don’t have a phone line.”
She sighed heavily. “Here’s what you want to do: next time the line goes down, get a single line phone and plug it directly into the jack that’s on the side of your house. If you get a dial tone there but you don’t get one in your house it’s your line only. If there’s no dial tone there call us at that time so we can diagnose it.”
So, allow me to reiterate: basically, if I don’t get a dial tone at the main jack I’m supposed to call the phone company, however, I won’t have a dial tone to make the phone call. Do you see how this works? This was apparently the best advice I was going to receive and so I thanked her for making me feel completely off my rocker and hung up the phone.
A few days later, the phone line went down once again and, against my better judgment, I decided to do what the lady had advised. I grabbed a phone and made my way to the front door. There was but one minor problem…it was raining outside. I wasn’t exactly sure if I should continue but after some debate I thought, screw it, let’s get this over with. And so, there I am, standing in muddy grass by the side of my house in the pouring rain, holding a phone in my right hand and listening for a dial tone. Of course, my neighbors are driving by on the street and I can see their puzzled faces staring at me in complete confusion, most likely saying to one another, “Man, that new guy’s a weirdo!”
Low and behold, I did get a dial tone. Luckily I wasn’t holding a metal rod in my other hand or wearing a metal helmet, posing as the perfect lightning rod. That would be just my luck, of course…just as I figure out that I have a dial tone I’m struck by lightning.
A couple days later, a man wearing a big floppy hat exactly like the one worn by the guy that put his friend’s foot through the woodchipper at the end of “Fargo” fixed the line issue in about 5 minutes. All that lost sleep for 5 minutes worth of work. Sigh. At least I got to see an actual human being wearing one of those hats. And here I thought it was just an exaggeration!
In summary, when given the choice between being beaten by the bowling alley lady or driven insane by the mad beeping of the security system which I’m sure was incahoots with the phone company, I’m not precisely sure which is worse.
In the meantime, I’ve got to get myself one of those hats. Beep!
