Waters-Ship Down!!!

I first saw the movie version of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” at a local midnight showing when I was about 15 years old. Like many people it changed my life. I then got hold of a copy of the cassette and promptly wore it out to the point that it was completely un-listenable. It wasn’t until a few years later that I heard albums like “Meddle” and “Animals”, albums that actually were more appropriately composed and put together by the band versus a disguised solo project. At that point I started my path down the road of becoming a true Floyd fanatic. (For the morbidly curious my favorite albums to date are still “Meddle”, “The Piper at the Gates of Dawn”, and “Atom Heart Mother” but I commonly will state that “Wish You Were Here” is their ultimate masterpiece even though not my own personal favorite.)

In any event, I saw what Roger Waters’ termed “the fake Floyd” both in 1988 and then again in 1994, somehow landing a 3rd row main floor seat both times. I had for years waited for a real Floyd reunion but of course that day has never come. I even saw the Australian Pink Floyd show a couple years ago when they passed through town. I had but one more frontier before complete Floyd burn out: seeing Roger Waters.

Now, it must be said that after listening to Pink Floyd for over 20 years and having to deal with the atypical Floyd “fan” all around me that I’ve just about lost all interest in the band. It’s amazing how so called fans can completely turn you off and Pink Floyd is clearly one of the most misunderstood bands in rock history with some of the most confused listeners possible. In any event, the truth has to be told: “Comfortably Numb”, whereas it is a great song, is probably one of the most overplayed songs in music history, so much so that I can barely comprehend how anyone can handle listening to it anymore. “Run Like Hell”, well, I don’t get the attraction nor have I ever, and last but certainly not least “Another Brick in the Wall Part 2” has simply got to be one of the worst songs that ever bore the Floyd name. Ah yes, but I digress. The point I’m trying to make is that these songs hold about as much attraction to me as placing my hand in a hot frying pan and yet still I’m silly enough to buy a ticket to see Roger Waters. Yeah, I know, don’t say it!

I ended up purchasing a ticket for myself and a friend of mine right when they went on sale. We ended up with row 15 of the right section of the main floor, a seemingly good area to be in. It just so happened, as fate would have it, my friend would be moving out of state just a couple days later and this would be the last time we hang out. This alone on paper was assuredly going to make it an odd evening.

The plan was that we’d both arrive separately and meet at the seats. The show started at 8pm without an opening act and so we had agreed to meet at 7:30pm. I got there just a couple minutes after, thinking that my friend would already be there but alas he wasn’t. I sat down, surveyed the situation, and was particularly pleased that there were 2 empty seats to my left and I crossed my fingers that they remained that way since there wasn’t much breathing room in between seats regardless. Having nothing to do while I waited I simply looked around, stared a bit, and watched the clock. 7:40pm – still no sign of him. 7:45pm – hmm, where the heck is he? 7:50pm – now I’m getting slightly worried. 7:55pm – oh hell, he’s not coming and sold the seat to someone else?! 8:00pm – I’ve been stood up and not even by a woman! 8:05pm, he finally arrives, and the lights go out shortly after as if the show couldn’t start without him.

Roger and co. walked out onto the stage and everyone sitting in the floor sections stood up and remained standing, and the band opened with “In the Flesh?” Of course, it goes without saying that tons of people are doing the arm crossing thing from the “Wall” film as the song is played and I can’t help but wonder if the concept and meaning of the scene was completely lost on these people. It also goes without saying, as I looked around me, that most of the audience seemed completely messed up on some drug du jour. Ah yes, this was going to be a fun night, especially since I was completely sober (as usual) and I’m really only in it for the music. Clearly, I was in the minority.

The fun begins, though, while watching the performance intently, I’m suddenly pushed out of the way by a beer bottle. Yes, you read that right, a beer bottle, with a hand clasping at it like it was gold. Those two seats next to me that I was so looking forward to remaining unoccupied were no longer vacant since their owners had arrived, and evidently asking me to politely move out of the way seemed too difficult. No, much better to just push your way with a beer bottle being used as a pile driver! The couple seemed to be probably in their mid 50’s, perhaps ex-hippies, I don’t know, the man having a shaved head and a height of around 6’4” while the woman had a mop-like hairdo and was probably closer to 5’4”. The guy was doing the pile driving with the beer and so the woman ended up next to me, except that she stopped right in front of me. Now, of course, we all have dedicated seats but evidently it made more sense for her to stand directly in front of me. I nonchalantly leaned a bit on her, trying to get her to move into her own paid for space and eventually she did. At this point I didn’t intend to think much more about this couple throughout the night.

Waters’ next played “Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun”, one of the songs that I was most interested in. I was unfortunately reminded of the people next to me in the middle of the song since the guy suddenly blurted out random weird comments to absolutely no one, one of them being, “Can you feel it??!” He raised his arms high into the air, looking rather crazed, and yelled again to the people in front of us, “Can yoooouuu feel it?!!!” He then turned and looked directly at me, outstretching his finger in my direction, saying “Yooouuu can feel it! I can see it!!” I produced the best fake smile I could muster and gently nodded my head in agreement. Oh boy.

Next up was “Mother” and everyone who was a couple in the audience suddenly felt the urge to embrace, including the couple next to me, even though the song isn’t, well, really that romantic. The problem here, though, was that they were more or less looking like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, that is, if the tower had the capability of nearly falling in one direction, then correcting itself, and then redoing the fall but in the other direction. In all of my life I’ve never seen two people embrace so firmly. I wasn’t even sure if the woman could possibly draw in a breath with that kind of a bear hug encasing her. I couldn’t help but think that I should call the paramedic’s, just in case.

Finally, mercifully, Roger played a song from “The Final Cut” and of course no one was familiar with the tune so everyone sat down. From the stage it must have looked like dominoes were falling and I’m sure it made the musicians feel good to know that the crowd clearly disapproved of the song choice. In any event, I sat down and once again was totally focused on watching the show when I suddenly realized that my left shoulder was being firmly caressed by a bony hand. As if in slow motion, not unlike Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”, I slowly turned my head to look to my left, this time rather afraid to see what was caressing me. I sort of half expected to find Thing, the hand from the Addams Family, to be honest. As my head completed its’ revolution I met the gaze of the guy 2 seats to my left, and for a couple seconds he stared right at me as he squeezed his hand over my left shoulder, caressing it intently. I was at a loss for words, momentarily just sitting there letting some strange wasted man caress me, not sure of what the heck to do, when he finally snapped out of his stupor and realized that he’s not touching his significant other but instead me. As this realization hit him he snatched back his hand with a look of mild terror, sort of like something just bit him. He then stared at me for a couple moments with a look on his face that suggested that I just did something completely uncalled for, like mooning him or something similar. Still rather shocked myself, I turned my head slowly back towards the stage, watched for a second, and then turned to my friend and said, “Uh, I just got my shoulder caressed by some weird guy…that I don’t even know.”

Eventually, Roger returned to playing songs that the average concert goer wished to hear and so everyone stood up again. “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” began and my friend made a point to tell me, “This is my favorite Floyd song.” He waited a couple seconds, then turned to me again and said, “I’m going to go get a drink. I’ll be back.” So much for favorites!

While my friend was gone, I once again attempted to watch the performance when I was suddenly bumped into hard from the left. I looked over and I see a sight that’s hard to describe: the guy has his right arm wrapped around his wife’s head, sort of in a head lock style, and he’s so much taller than her that his back is hunched completely over her body. Had I not known better I would have thought that the bodies had merged into one strange and bizarre creature, one that’s leaning dramatically from side to side and hitting everyone that’s anywhere near it. At this point they’re leaning/falling much faster than previously and in a much more erratic manner. My friend finally returned and I pointed out their strange “dancing”, and he said, “Dude, that guy’s really f*cked up.” Imagine that…

Once again, the audience sat down as Roger started playing his own solo material, something that clearly no one bargained for even though it was Roger Waters we were seeing, after all. At this point I was suddenly disturbed by a flying ass ramming into my left arm…no joke. I looked in total disbelief as the woman next to me’s ass was hurling towards me, jabbing like a knife, and occasionally sliding butt crack-wise on my left arm. I was completely horrified, not just by the flying ass but because I couldn’t imagine what the hell they were doing now in order to for her to be in this position and I was deathly afraid to look. Curiosity got the better of me, though, and I looked over, all the while trying to avoid the jabbing ass coming at me in random intervals. What I saw was… keep in mind that we’re all seated at this point…and once again the guy’s got his wife in a head lock while sitting down, and she’s doing this thing that my cats’ do when I attempt to hug them at an inopportune moment, and they escape by trying to back out of the hug with their rear end up in the air. This is precisely what this woman was doing, hence the hurling ass, and I’m slightly impressed since I’ve never seen a human being do this maneuver before. From the best that I could gather the guy was holding onto her head while in a head lock for dear life, and I think on occasion he was probably cutting off all circulation in her body and so she tried to escape, but then when he finally relaxed she’d once again go back to her previous position. They basically did this over and over until everyone finally stood up once again.

At long last, Roger announced that they’d be taking a 15 minute intermission. Everyone except for me left our row and therefore it became the “superhighway” for everyone on the floor, myself constantly having to let people squeeze by me. I assumed the couple next to me had wandered off for more to drink or god knows what else they were on. Oh please, let them just leave?!

That 15 minutes of peace flew by and in no time Roger returned and so did the couple, and the entire “Dark Side of the Moon” album began. Things were even worse than before and I basically missed most of that album due to being hit, bumped, or rubbed on. What was even worse was that the woman seemed to think that I wasn’t moving/dancing enough, even though she was forcing me to move at random intervals by hitting and bumping into me, and she was taking it upon herself to start deliberately grabbing me, mostly taking me by the arm, or locking arms with me, holding my hand, etc. It appeared to be her mission that evening to either knock me over completely or continue rubbing her ass on me; the madness just didn’t seem to have an end in sight. During “Money” she tried talking to me and the joke was on her since I had my ear plugs in and could only say, “Huh?!” Insistent, she felt the need to ask me again, “Do you have a lot of money?!” Oh god, I thought, why in the world would she ask me this?! Is she propositioning me or something?! I don’t even want to know! I simply replied, “No,” afraid to give out any more information and nonchalantly checking to make sure my wallet was still in my back pocket. Her husband then felt it was important to tap the people on the shoulder in front of me and yell out, “I remember when this album came out!!!” They looked back at him like, “yeah, good for you, buddy!”

“Us and Them” was now playing and the lady was persistently grabbing me and getting friendlier by the minute. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m a nice guy, too nice for the most part at moments like this, but enough was enough. I finally turned to her and said calmly, “Please stop it.” She smiled like an insubordinate child and immediately grabbed my arm. I yanked it away and said much louder, “Stop it!” She smiled again, giggled, grabbed my arm again, and said, “Huh?” I yanked my arm back with force and this time screamed, “CUT IT OUT!!! I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU!!!” She looked at me in terror, like I had just bit the hand that feeds, and in turn her husband looked at me like I was a freak, and then they both looked at one another with a “what’s wrong with that guy” sort of look.

As “Brain Damage” played and Roger sang about “…the lunatic…” the guy to my left yelled out loudly, “The lunatic?! Whooooooooo’s the lunatic?!” He scanned the audience a bit and then turned directly to me, again outstretching his finger in my general direction. “It’s yooouuuu!!” he yelled, pointing at me wildly. Yes, that’s right, buddy, I’m the lunatic…duh!

At long last, a moment that I thought would never come, the show ended and the lights came back up. I was afraid that the couple would attempt to say something to me but luckily they simply exited the row and made their way out of the arena. I can honestly say that I hope that I never, ever, in a million or so years, ever set eyes on these two individuals again!

What a performance! Never before have I been caressed, fondled, rubbed on and called a lunatic all in one sitting. Wow… Yes, that’s right folks, this is what $100 will buy you these days. I almost felt like I should leave a tip, there was so much touching going on!

A couple days later, I was driving in the Uptown area of Minneapolis, trying to make my way back to the highway. I made a left and intended to make another left at the next stoplight which I could see off in the distance. As I approached a young woman in her late 20’s, wearing a flowery dress and big sunglasses, was crossing the road while walking a large black dog, the only problem being that she was kind of walking forward, then a bit backward, and then doing something that looked more like a modern dance move. I slowly approached and was stunned since she wasn’t exactly making her way across the road and instead was standing in the middle of the street, more or less taking as many steps backward as forward and therefore never getting anywhere. Her dog was completely confused; in fact he eventually just stopped and looked at me in disgust, not sure how to react. As my car came to a stop since she was still in the middle of the street, even though my light was green, she then made a very bizarre move and in a big swoop fell backward onto the cement. She then lay there like a dead person in a coffin without any movement. I sat in my car completely stunned, not sure what to do. Luckily, there were a few people standing on the street corner that rushed out and crowded around her. Eventually they helped her up, asked her where she lived, and then they helped carry her towards the direction that she had pointed. The dog looked even more confused and disgusted than before, more or less with a look of “is this what my life has been reduced to?”

As I finally got to drive away and make my left turn I couldn’t help but feel incredibly normal and sane, a feeling I’m not exactly used to. As they say, if you want to feel “normal” hang out with loonies, and I think I’ve met my quota for the year. After all, the lunatic(s) was clearly in the hall…