So, Did the Force Awaken or...?

The biggest news of the entertainment world in the past week has undoubtedly been the opening of the new “Star Wars:  The Force Awakens” film.  As already mentioned, I didn’t exactly join in to the hype or fever but I did remain hopeful overall and shared in the simple concept that this new film couldn’t possibly be worse than “Star Wars:  Episode I – The Phantom Menace”.  In my personal opinion, well, one would really have to work very hard and go way out of their way to make a film worse than that.

It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a film aficionado, a sometimes so-called “movie snob”, depending upon how you view film in general.  I’m therefore going to attack this blog entry by wearing 2 different hats, both with my movie and film critic hat as well as through a Star Wars fan’s eyes.  I’ve already covered how I was on the tail end of being a first gen Star Wars kid (vs. THE actual Star Wars kid…look on YouTube, if you’re confused) and so I feel qualified enough to navigate both areas and attempt to do them at least a tad bit of justice.  This will not be a traditional movie review, however, since I feel that such turf is more than adequately covered elsewhere.

Let me begin by saying a bit about my current hometown.  When I stood in line for the dreaded “Episode I” in Phoenix, AZ, I think the group that I was with was in line a total of about 10-12 hours in order to see the film.  With “The Force Awakens”, though, I was able to pull a single seat primo location ticket for opening day a mere 20 minutes before show time AND I was still shocked to see that it wasn’t a sold out theater.  For anyone who argues that the Minneapolis/St. Paul/Twin Cities area isn’t a “small town”, I thus rest my case.  I was also kind of shocked to hear a completely hushed, non-audibly excited audience all around me versus the major cheers that occurred during the “Episode I” showing (of course, these were cheers when the film started…it was more like sobbing by the time it ended).  Having said that, I really don’t mind the fact that the theater wasn’t wall to wall people and that no one was making noise, and I think in many ways it made me more able to take in the film unbiased.

The previews seemed endless, like always.  Seriously, folks, we need to cut down on the 20-30 minute trailer and commercial thing at movie theaters these days but that’s a whole different blog entry.  Finally, the film started and it took so long that I almost forgot what movie I was about to see (ok, not really).  The film begins of course in the exact same manner as all the others before it and my first question was quickly answered:  there was absolutely no mention of Disney or a Disney logo anywhere in sight!  I had been wondering for quite some time if we’d see the iconic Disney castle first, or if they’d slip the Disney wording somewhere into the beginning, but none of the above.

The famous slanted words came out in 3D fashion and I raced against the clock to digest them as quickly as possible.  I was less than impressed, quite frankly.  Seriously?  There’s still drama going on in the galaxy even after the destruction of the Empire, the Death Star 2^nd Gen, and Darth Vader?!  Geesh, these people just don’t know how to celebrate and live in peace, apparently!  With that said, it also occurred to me that, well, the wording is pretty lame and 3^rd grade level writing in all of the films so I quickly let it go and stayed optimistic, not to mention that if there wasn’t some sort of useless drama, well, we probably wouldn’t have a movie, right?  I should also mention that an initial puzzlement for me when the title of this film was announced was something along the lines of…what do you mean ‘The Force Awakens’?!  The force seemed pretty damn strong at the end of ‘Return of the Jedi’.  What did it do…go on vacation or something??  Apparently, destroying your enemy and saving your lives isn’t ‘strong’ enough.  Who knew?!

I’m not going to go scene by scene through the movie, etc.  Again, I’m sure there are countless other blogs out there doing exactly that so I’m just going to skip around from point to point, if that’s okay.  Let’s just cut right to the chase:  with my Star Wars fans’ hat on, the film is much to be rejoiced over.  It’s fun, it’s got the cheesy interlaced humor throughout the film, it’s got action, it’s got drama, and so on.  The film completely LOOKS and FEELS like the original trilogy and the only nod to the prequels is really in the cantina scene with the character Maz Kanata.  Otherwise, the new film more or less can leave us first gen’er’s forgetting that the prequel disaster ever happened which I’m 100% positive was the intention.  I think the overall consensus with fans is that this was the movie we were hoping for about 20 years ago and it’s about darn time that it comes out.  From a typical Star Wars fans’ viewpoint, this is a hit, a 9 out of 10 scale film, and possibly a dream come true.

I completely enjoyed this film.  I did go along for the ride, I just vegged out with the story, and found it completely enjoyable.  It’s inevitable, though, that my film critic’s hat will come into play and here it certainly does.  What’s my biggest complaint?  It’s simple – J.J. Abrahms not only nailed the look and feel of the original trilogy, but he and crew also basically COPIED the original “Star Wars”, in my viewpoint.  I mean, they went sooooo out of their way to do so many nods to the original trilogy that it kind of got annoying by the end of the film.  The format of the movie also mirrors the original “Star Wars” on so many levels.  For example, both films begin with an Empire/First Order “strong” scene with the main character at that moment being in jeopardy; the droid with the plans gets away, then ends up on a sandy planet, etc.  We have mirrored cantina scenes with similar characters and even the whole “we need to go to the Death Star and do a rescue” thing is here, not to mention we have yet another freakin’ Death Star!  Is a Death Star the only thing that anyone can come up with in the Star Wars universe?  Yeah, sure, the Empire is now the First Order and the new Death Star has a different name, but seriously?  I can’t give this film a ton of originality points and instead it seems that the entire crew were so concerned that it go over well with Star Wars fans that they didn’t want to stray whatsoever from the original format and instead basically remade the movie without it actually being a reboot.  I think nods to the original films are fine but this movie went a bit overboard, at least with my movie hat on, that is.  I think it’s obvious that the filmmakers took the safest route possible with “The Force Awakens” in order to ensure a sure-fire hit and a profitable investment for the Disney Company.  Clearly no risks were taken here and only already explored, successful ground was re-explored in a new film version.

Other issues?  Like I said earlier, how did the rebels not enjoy at least some peace and quiet and much needed R&R post “Return of the Jedi”?  I have some issues with the congruency of the story at this point.  In my eyes, the story could have taken a very different twist and turn and it wouldn’t have taken too much of a brainstorming session.  For example, instead of the force awakening, shouldn’t it be the First Order/Empire awakening?  I feel that they could have easily done something more along that route.  There’s also the typical Star Wars “everything happens so easily and coincidentally” thing going on where characters just so conveniently run into one another over and over even though there’s supposedly an entire galaxy of people and creatures out there.  For example, what a bizarre and easy coincidence for Han and Chewbecca to find the Millennium Falcon, and yet they couldn’t find it all those years prior?  Hmm.  These things are usually written off by saying that the “force” is at work here.  If you ask me, it’s a lack of originality and a need of propelling the story forward as quickly as possible.

Here are 2 more points...  Whereas I really like the actress and character of Rey, I feel that the predictability of turning all of the characters in opposite gender roles from the original was incredibly predictable and a bit of a cop out.  Sorry – just my opinion on that one.  Furthermore, Kylo Ren seemed so incredibly vicious and almost as menacing as Darth Vader (and suspiciously looks quite a bit like him, too…another ‘hmm’) but upon being de-masked and seeing Adam Driver, um…?  Whoever decided to cast Adam Driver needs their head examined.  It was almost like, without the mask, it was a completely different character and caused me a bit of confusion momentarily.  I think that was probably the intention, to show that there was a bit of a question mark about his loyalty to the Dark Side, but I think it went a bit overboard, personally.  Adam Driver doesn’t ever really scare as much as flat out annoy me.  In my eyes, he has about as much presence on screen as an evil character as Chevy Chase being cast as Napoleon.

My last complaint is that the film ends with the one and only incredibly long shot of Luke Skywalker.  Why the very long shot?  We all know that Mark Hamill can’t act and this shot only reaffirms that nothing’s changed with his acting “force” over the years.  Also, why not just leave that for the next film?  Oh, I know why…we have to pay homage to everyone from the original film, right?  Again, no risks were taken whatsoever and every nod to the original trilogy had to be done.  Tsk, tsk.  And, speaking of how rehash this new film is to the original, even the end of the film closes with the blowing up of (you guessed it) the new “Death Star”, which we’ve all seen at least twice before.  I was seriously having déjà vu in the theater, personally.  After thinking about it a bit, my attitude was why even bother blowing up the new Death Star?  Why waste the time?!  They’re obviously just going to build another, seeing as this is most certainly a group of people obsessed with building Death Stars.  In all seriousness, I was quite disappointed that “Return of the Jedi” copped out way back in 1983 with rehashing a new Death Star rather than doing something new and original so to see yet another one in this film was a big snooze fest.

And so, there you have it.  From a Star Wars fans perspective, the film is mega enjoyable, celebration worthy, and a sure fire hit, provided you don’t mind the fact that you’re basically watching the original film all over again with just minor tweaks; in a movie critics’ viewpoint, it’s got just as many flaws as the original 1977 “Star Wars” and is basically a rewrite without actually being a rewrite.  There’s poor acting, terrible dialogue and script writing, etc.  My true personal opinion?  I think the original Star Wars trilogy should have been completely left alone.  There should have never been the prequels, or further sequels past “…Jedi”, and Lucas should have surely not been allowed to tamper with the films whatsoever.  Leave well enough alone, I say, but that’s not our society, now, is it?  And so, the biggest question I left the theater with was what happens now?  The film did a semi-successful hand off to the new cast but can the new cast really carry it forward?  I guess that remains to be seen.  One thing for sure is that the Star Wars franchise is once again alive and well, at least financially and fan based-wise, and from the rumors out at Disney, it’s not going away any time soon.  With that thought, let’s hope that the force is with all of us because we’re probably going to need it…

Star Wars: To Geek or Not to Geek?

Unless you’re completely living under a rock, I’m sure you’re undoubtedly aware that the new “Star Wars:  The Force Awakens” film opens in just slightly over a month.  Ticket sales have been crazy, setting records and such, just as pretty much anyone would have suspected.  The question, still, is ‘to geek or not to geek’?!  I’m not entirely sure but I’m going to attempt to explain where I stand on this topic.

We’ve been around this block before, of course.  Even bigger than the fact that a new Star Wars movie is opening, the real “news” here is that a new trilogy is emerging.  For those of us that have been dying to know what happened after “Return of the Jedi”, those answers are apparently going to be made public very soon.

Let me begin by saying that I’m not one of “those” people.  I’m not one to normally exit a film and ask questions like “so what happens now?” and “where do you think that character came from?”  This seems to be a very American trait (what I call an “American-ism”), in my opinion…wanting to know the back story of every character, wanting to know precisely how something ends, what happens next, and so on.  As much as I’m an American, I definitely seem to be the exception to this and many rules since I just leave questions like that to my imagination.  In my humble opinion, that’s part of what’s lacking in our society today since we’ve seemed to lose the concept of using our imaginations, but that’s a whole different blog entry.

Full disclosure:  I’m a first generation Star Wars kid, just barely.  Star Wars came out in 1977 and, while I didn’t see it on its’ initial release over the summer, I saw it on the re-release in the theaters later that year so I just barely “slipped” into this group.  I was a whopping 6 years old at this point but it seriously changed my life at the time, like most kids I know in my age group.  Almost all first gen Star Wars kids have this in common and most of us put the Star Wars trilogy on a pedestal back then, thinking that they were the greatest movies ever made.  It almost seemed like our very lives also revolved around the event of the two original Star Wars sequels.  I still clearly remember standing in line at the Yorktown Theater in Lombard, IL, waiting to see “The Empire Strikes Back” with about a hundred other people, all chomping at the bit to see one of the first sequels that really mattered (note for younger readers – sequels were not yet prevalent in those days).  And then flash forward to 1983, where I somehow convinced my parents to let me out of school early to see “Return of the Jedi” on opening day during a late afternoon showing.  These were all landmark events for me and, like so many others, I thought these movies were cinema at its’ highest.

 About 10-12 years later, I started my journey down the movie fanatic road, seeing every kind of film possible and deeply studying various eras of cinema.  By this time, the whole idea of George Lucas ever making any more Star Wars films was completely gone and it seemed to be an idea (or taunt) that was either scrapped or just never going to come to fruition.  Much to my shock, after really getting into film, I re-watched the Star Wars trilogy and was quite taken aback by how, well, silly the whole thing seemed in retrospect.  The acting was horrible, the plots were quite thin, and most of the dialogue was downright laughable.  Having said all of that, I was still able to watch the films through my nostalgia eyes and I couldn’t help but get some sort of deeper enjoyment.  I also felt that, despite the change in technology, the special effects still felt pretty relevant and those always seemed to be one of the standout trademarks of those films.

Then, everything changed.  George Lucas announced that there would indeed be prequels to Star Wars!  The clouds lifted!  The earth shook!  How could this be?!  The possibilities seemed endless!  The excitement was beyond belief, and yet we needed to wait about 3 years for the release.  The news that George Lucas would be hands on with the first film and even direct it seemed to be a sure win.  What could possibly go wrong?!

Well, everything…  I was pretty excited and made a decision to be there on opening night for Episode I, along with about 10 million other people, waiting in line for endless hours.  I even organized a group of work friends to join me and we all took either the day off or quite a few hours of PTO.  I even made the news reel that night, with the news anchor talking to me about the long wait in line, the anticipation, etc.  It seemed like a huge event and party and everyone was beyond excited.  Hours and hours later, the moment arrived.  We funneled into the theater, took our seats, and tried to patiently wait for the film to start.  And then, the familiar music began with those slanted words flying out at us.  The crowd cheered so loudly and then everyone quieted in order to give 100% focus on the words in front of us.  The first few scenes of the movie began and, well, it wasn’t exactly what anyone was expecting and you could sense a slight puzzlement in the crowd but, still, you had to give the film time to unfold, right?  Another 5 minutes later, there was a bit more unease in the audience but again, it hadn’t been that long into the story and such.  Then, it really landed.  I think it was around the entrance of Jar Jar Binks that I fully realized that, oh my god, this is going to be a total disaster, and my oh my was it.  Nothing felt right.  The story was bizarre and boring, the “universe” suddenly seemed completely different, and just the overall look and feel of the film had almost no relation to the Star Wars that I grew up with.  In short, the film was a total pile of stinking doggie doo doo, to put it kindly.  I think giving the film 1 star is doing it a kindness, quite frankly.  The film never got any better and ended up being the biggest disappointment of film history, or so it has been in my life.  I remember walking out of the theater and having many people who were still waiting to enter and see the film ask, “How was it?!  Was it amazing?!”  The look on my face probably said it all but I think I did manage to mumble out in a completely defeated manner, “Um, it was bloody awful.”

Prequels 2 and 3 really weren’t any better, in my opinion.  I laughed through most of Episode III, finding it utterly ridiculous.  The whole prequel trilogy was so bad that it created an incredible divide between the original Star Wars generation and the younger crowd that never really got that attached to Episodes IV – VI.  There was even fantastic backlash, and rightfully so, in my opinion, when Lucas modded the original trilogy to inject actors from the prequels, trying desperately to somehow conjoin these completely different series together.  The best thing in my opinion that came with the release of Episode III was that there wouldn’t be any prequels.

When news rang out that Lucas was selling the Star Wars franchise to Disney, my initial reaction was a very loud “ugh” since I was hoping that we’d just let sleeping dogs lie.  After more thought, though, there was a very, very slight possibility that Disney could, well, maybe do something with this mess.  I really didn’t think there’d be a new trilogy, though, and that announcement hit me with a lot of skepticism.  I waited and more or less blew the whole thing off.  The day the trailer was released, I couldn’t help myself, though.  I watched it and I won’t deny…it gave me an albeit rather small but definite tinge of “Wow.  This may not actually be total sh*t”.  I still contained any excitement, though, and then waited for the second trailer.  This time around, there was even more of a tinge of “this might be decent”.

In conclusion, as someone who’s been around the Star Wars hub bub since the very beginning and has been deeply burned, to answer the question ‘to geek or not to geek’, I simply cannot allow myself to completely geek.  Once bitten, twice shy, right?  I have purchased my ticket for “Star Wars:  The Force Awakens”, though, and this time I purchased a reserved seat since there’s no way in hell that I’ll wait in another line like for Episode I.  If I’m going to “geek”, it’s going to be post viewing…it’s just as simple as that.  My major concerns?  First, I’m not a huge fan or believer in J.J. Abrams.  I know many people see him as some sort of great filmmaker but I personally find only about a quarter of his work really worthwhile and interesting.  I also was not impressed with his Star Trek reboot and that definitely makes me a bit leery.  Second, I fear that there may be way too much emphasis on tying things together and showing where the old cast has been for the past 30+ years.  Some of this is necessary and welcome, of course, but if there’s too much of it, I think it could easily slip into being incredibly cheesy.  Lastly, will it feel like Star Wars and do we really want to put some sort of definitive answer to what happens post “Return of the Jedi”?  I guess that’s a personal question.  I just hope that it doesn’t chip away even more at my feelings for the original trilogy.

Look here for a complete and honest review of the film post December 18^th!  Until then, may the ‘geek’ be with you…

Please Don't Bend My Fish

The next time you’re at the airport preparing to take a flight, you might want to pay careful attention to what you’re wearing, especially if you just came from a Godspeed You! Black Emperor concert.

I just recently came back from a quick trip to Arizona.  It was a really short trip but I still managed to see a couple friends of mine and a long desired show in Tucson, AZ.  The concert was one of those gift shows that don’t come along that often by a band called Godspeed You! Black Emperor.  I’ve listened to them for about 13 years and I’ve always wanted to see them live but, up until this year, they’ve been quite elusive with their touring.  In fact, they were a defunct band for most of the past decade and so no chance existed whatsoever of seeing them.  It was earlier this year that I stumbled upon the news of their reforming and more extensive tour schedule, and so I filed potential plans in the back of my head, just in case I could somehow make it work once the time came closer.

Don’t be too terribly thrown off by their name; Godspeed You! Black Emperor are sort of an obscure instrumental band that plays rather long, almost cinematic pieces of music with lots of thundering guitars and such.  They’re not exactly well known but are in fact very well respected with lots of artists claiming that they were influenced by their work.

The show itself was absolutely fabulous, possibly the best show I’ve seen this year aside from the all day 60^th birthday John Zorn fest at the Walker in April.  Because of the rarity of this performance, I opted to buy a t-shirt, something I don’t do very often at this point in life simply because I’m not very into the whole concert shirt experience any longer.  Still, I do sometimes buy the more obscure looking shirts, meaning ones that don’t have the usual tour dates and such listed on them, and I like supporting the smaller bands.  This particular shirt fit the bill perfectly and since it was a band that I’ve always wanted to see, I couldn’t help but opt for it.

This t-shirt is so obscure that it doesn’t even list the band name anywhere.  Pretty weird, right?  Instead, it has a star symbol on it with the words “Don’t Bend Ascend” around it in a circle which is part of the album title, along with the words “More of us than them amen”.  To be frank, it’s a bit of a strange shirt, hence why I liked it.

Since I flew back to Minnesota the following day after the show, I just sort of naturally opted to wear this new shirt of mine and didn’t think much of it.  Well, fast forward a few hours to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, where I’m casually standing in line to go through security.  I had already noticed a couple puzzled looks at my t-shirt along the way but, again, I didn’t really think much of it.  And so, I made my way through the line and was admiring the fact that one of the TSA agents that was checking tickets and ID’s was particularly smiley and friendly, talking extensively to every passenger.  I’ve just never seen a TSA agent show much sign of a personality up until this point and so I was kind of amazed by this.  Also, she was mildly cute…what can I say?  I was kind of looking forward to having her “check me out”.

Just as I was about 2 people away from being next, two male TSA agents came out of nowhere and stood behind the friendly female TSA agent.  These two guys were the typical TSA type – zero personality, no smile whatsoever on their face, and looking as serious as possible.  Being the space cadet that I am, nothing seemed that strange about this until the next person went up and I was next in line.  It was then that I noticed that these two unhappy TSA agents were in fact both staring directly at and analyzing me.  I suddenly had a lump in my throat.

The male TSA agent with the bigger scowl at this point walked straight up to me and locked eyes.  Talk about intimidating!  Looking directly into my eyes, he asked, “What exactly does your shirt mean?”

And then, it started to sink in.  Oh cr*p!  I’m wearing this new t-shirt!  Is there something weird on it?  I frantically tried to remember what was on it without looking down or nervous.  I simply replied as calmly as possible, “It’s just a band shirt, that’s all.”

I knew exactly what question was coming next.  “What band?”

Again, somehow remaining calm, I said, “Godspeed You! Black Emperor,” realizing all the while how ridiculous and suspicious that probably sounds to an unhappy TSA agent.

The guy, still without any sign of life and looking intently at me, said dryly, “Never heard of them.”  I had no answer for this.  Not knowing what else to say, I simply shrugged, thinking, oh geez, here we go, I’m going to be searched and who knows what else.

Now, to make this even more amusing, I must mention the ‘fish’.  While visiting with some friends just hours before, of whom I had enlisted to dress up a singing fish battery operated statue to look like Elvis for my “It’s Raining Elvis Fish!” tribute album cover, they had in fact given me said fish, complete with Elvis costume, and it was in my suitcase of which I was now holding.  Upon giving it to me, my friend said, “I guarantee you…they’ll be searching your luggage upon seeing that fish!”  Well, these words now echoed in my head.  The TSA agents were already concerned that I might be a terrorist wearing terrorist propaganda on my t-shirt AND I just happen to have an Elvis dressed fish in my suitcase!  I’m screwed!!!

At this point, the friendly female TSA agent said, “Next please!” and I made my way to the podium.  As I walked up, the other male TSA agent tapped her on the shoulder and took her place.  He promptly grabbed my ticket and ID and I simply waited for the order to go in the back for a more thorough checking.

Much to my surprise, after a few seconds, he simply handed back my ticket and ID and said, “Thanks!  Have a great flight!”  I walked forward, dumbfounded, still mildly concerned that I was maybe being setup or the fish would set off some sort of ‘alarm’ when going through the x-ray machine, but once again nothing of the sort happened.  Instead, I was free to continue on in peace and with dignity.

All I can say is it’s a damn good thing I didn’t name the album something like “It’s Raining Bin Laden Fish!” while wearing a Three Mile Pilot shirt that shows a plane going up in flames.  Now, try and explain that one...

A Visit to the Doctor

As a person that at times suffers from moderate anxiety, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the topic, it’s that you have to laugh it off as much as possible.  If you don’t, you’ll simply wig yourself out beyond belief.

Laughing is exactly what I do.  I’m not even sure that it’s something that I have to do consciously for it just sort of leaks out at random moments.  I think I tend to make people slightly worried when I’m sitting there laughing to myself, even though there’s nothing visibly funny happening around me.  It’s one of my better traits or flaws, depending upon how you look at it.

One of the amusing things that come with anxiety is the ability to put things off for an indeterminate amount of time.  I usually have to work myself up enough in order to do something that freaks me out, taking an unspecified amount of time to “ponder” and “think” about the task at hand.  For example, nothing gives me more anxiety than going to the doctor, so much so that I’ve put off getting a physical for nearly 4 years.  I finally broke down last fall and told myself, enough is enough, you simply have to go in and get it over with.  Ah, yes, but before I do that, you see, I have to think about it more.  I need to ponder the whole act of making the appointment, calling them on the phone, and so on.  Well, ‘pondering’ ultimately means a few more months go by, and then a few more, etc.  In truth, I’ve been ‘thinking’ about it for at least the past 2 years.  I finally had to go in to the doctor for an unrelated issue this February and even forewarned them, “Um, I think I’m overdue for a physical and I’ll be making an appointment soon.”  The keyword there was ‘soon’ which was completely open to interpretation considering months would end up going by first.

While I was at the office back in February, my doctor and I decided the best approach was to give me my long overdue tetanus shot right then and there versus during the physical since it would at least be one part of my anxiety relieved.  Getting a shot wigged me out as well, of course, but it actually wasn’t that bad.  Now, the problem was to get through the physical and the real source of my anxiety, the blood draw.

You guessed it.  More months went by while more ‘thinking’ and ‘pondering’ occurred.  I finally ran out of all my refills for asthma medication and so I had to break down and make the appointment.  They were booked 2 weeks out so I was able to get in 2 more weeks of good solid pondering time.  Sometimes I feel like I handle life’s stresses kind of like Winnie the Pooh…’think, think, think’…

I swear I was counting down the hours to this appointment.  I went in this morning, quite distressed mind you, and the laughing to myself began in the waiting room.  I usually just start thinking about outrageous possible outcomes to the event at hand, things that pretty much couldn’t really happen in real life and would only show up in goofball comedy films.  Now that I’m in my 40’s and they regularly do things like prostate exams, it gives me even more reason to be paranoid and imagine outrageous events taking place.  For example, before arriving for the appointment, I made sure that all waste products were removed from both my bladder and colon and then washed myself as thoroughly as possible.  You can never be too careful, right?  I don’t even think that I could put into words some of the weird outcomes that were running through my head.

I barely sat down in the waiting room and I was almost immediately called back.  I was met by the usual young nurse with the amazingly gorgeous blue twinkly eyes.  She’s the best part of the visit, mind you.  You would think that I’d try to be brave in front of her but no, not really.  I don’t seem to mind whom I cower in front of these days.

After taking my weight and height, we ventured into the examination room.  I’ve lost yet another inch…in height, that is.  I’m not sure where it’s going.  I never wanted to be tall and it’s looking like I may get my wish after all with the way I’ve been shrinking.

I was told to take everything off except my socks and underwear.  This confused me a bit since how exactly are they going to exam both the front and the back, if you know what I mean?  Hmm.  I debated about taking my underwear off anyway but decided instead to follow the instructions which I’ll admit is something I rarely ever do.

My doctor is a female nurse practioner of whom I’ve been going to for quite a few years.  I previously was going to a female doctor in the same building but I found her male anatomy exam to be one of the harshest I’ve ever felt and so I made the switch.  I think my turning my head and coughing with her was closer to turning blue and choking.

My doctor entered the room and we exchanged the usual questions, answers, and other goofy questions/comments on my part.  I was amazed by just how Woody Allen like I get when talking to a doctor.  She kept making little notes on a piece of paper and I kept thinking, ‘What is she writing about me?  Is she writing that I’m difficult?  That I’m crazy?!”  I swear that Seinfeld routine was ripped off of my own personal experience.

We talked a bit more about my anxiety in regards to the blood draw and then I hopped up on the table for the exam.  I was pretty wound up, of course, and my doctor approached, bent down a bit to exam my knees, and then I heard a whooonk! noise.  Considering that I’d been cracking jokes and giggling like a school girl for the past 10 minutes, I was now completely silent.  What the hell was that, I thought?  That wasn’t what I thought it was, was it?  Naw, it couldn’t be.  My doctor is a reasonably attractive middle aged woman.  She wouldn’t, um, just pass gas like that, would she?  It must have been her shoes or something.

“Excuse me,” she said calmly.  She then continued to straighten and whooonk!  “Ooh, excuse me,” she said again.  Yep, the ‘excuse me’ made it certain; she just farted twice.  Still, not a sound from me.   I think I was completely in awe by how nonchalantly and professionally she handled it, just continuing onward.  If it had been me, I probably would have turned beet red and then run out screaming.

You would think this would have eased my tension a bit but, um, no.  I even wondered for a few moments if she had done it on purpose in an effort to make me calm down but the more I thought about that the more absurd it seemed.  I mean, I’ve heard of doctors putting on clown makeup, blowing up balloons and such, to put kids at ease but never a farting doctor.  If that really worked, I’d imagine the new trend in doctors to be more like Curly from the Three Stooges.

She took my reflexes by pounding the little hammer on various parts of my legs.  Of course, nothing moved.  I knew it…I’m dead, I thought to myself.  In a sly maneuver, she then slid the handle under my feet in which I let out a large giggle/scream.  “Oh, you are ticklish.”  Hell, I’m not that dead, I thought.  Is she going to start tickling my sides now until I pee?!

Next, the rubber gloves came out.  “Have you ever had a prostate exam before?” she asked.  Yes, I said, and in truth a few times.  Even so, I had no clue what she wanted me to do.  I didn’t want to seem overly anxious or anything or jump the gun.  “Just remove your underwear and lean over the bed.”  As I figured, it was more uncomfortable removing my underwear at this point versus just already having them off.  I felt like I was doing some really perverse strip tease that clearly wouldn’t be bringing in a lot of dollar bills.

I leaned over and it began.  Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these exams.  I know I was never very fond of them but I didn’t recall it being that terrible either.  Well, this time it hurt like hell.  I was like, what is she putting in there?  It was like she was searching for an exit out the front.

After that, she said something I didn’t hear.  I don’t always hear well and so I’ve learned to just wait for people to either repeat or continue their sentences, in hopes that it gives me a clue as to what they said.  She just stood there staring at me, though, and so I had to ask, “What do you want me to do?”  She looked puzzled.  “I’m going to give you the _____ exam.”  I still didn’t catch the word before ‘exam’.  In a true me way, I asked, “So…what do you want me to do?”

She sighed slightly.  “I’m going to feel your balls…to see if there are any lumps or anomalies.”  Oh, roger that, loud and clear.  There was no mistaking that.  I have to say that I was quite taken aback by the word ‘balls’.  Usually, doctors use very clinical terms, especially female doctors, when referring to anything male anatomy related.  Ironically, I had often wondered why.  Upon hearing that she was going to feel my ‘balls’, though, let’s just say that it felt a little strange and I now understood.  In any event, let’s just say that she immediately got to the task.  When she was done, this once again left me underpants-less and unsure of when I was supposed to get dressed, and how and in what manner, mind you.  I felt like a hooker unsure if the job was actually done and if I’d get paid.

With the exam now over, it was off to the upstairs level for the true source of my anxiety – the blood draw.  The walk is always difficult, kind of like walking to your own execution.  I always think to myself that I could simply turn and run at any moment and yet for some reason I don’t.  I approached the lab desk, handed them my paperwork, and the nurse said, “It’ll be a few minutes.”  I thought, take all the time you need, lady!

There were a few nurses that were taking people back into the lab.  One was a woman with what sounded like a Russian accent.  I’ve had her before and she actually does quiet well although she lacks any sympathy for someone like me and has the sense of humor of a half eaten box of stale Cracker Jack.  There was also a woman that I didn’t recognize who looked a bit more pleasant.  She came out, grabbed someone’s paperwork, and scanned around the room.  There were quite a few people in the waiting room and I was the last to arrive so I thought I was totally safe.  Of course, she called out my name.

Once inside, I immediately told her, “I need to be able to lie down.”  For some reason, this medical clinic uses these large astronaut looking chairs setup in the hallway for their blood draws.  I did it there once and it was awful since people are walking by the whole time and then there’s me, in pure terror, closing my eyes and feeling faint.  No, that’s not the way for me.  We had to find a room for me to lie down in and that’s exactly what I did almost immediately upon entering it.  The nurse started getting things prepared and then said, “I have to inform you that I’m a student.”  Of course you are!  What luck!  “Do you still want me to continue?”  Do I WANT you to continue?  That’s a silly question.  Hell, I’m going to get poked either way.  It might as well be from a virgin.

I closed my eyes since I’ve found that to be the best approach for me.  For those of you that don’t suffer from this sort of affliction, it’s really not a wimpy/scary sort of thing.  It’s kind of unexplainable and completely irrational, really.  It’s not even really that it’s painful; it’s something about the very idea of it that’s such torture.  That’s the best explanation I can make.  I fully admit that it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

The jab was worse than normal.  The draw, though, seemed to go on and on.  I had asked my doctor to also check my testosterone levels and specifically asked if that meant they’d take more blood than usual.  “Oh no, not at all,” she told me.  Liar!  I later found out that the nurse had to fill 2 vials, of which she had to switch vials somehow in the middle of it, and thank god I didn’t watch this because I’m sure I would have fainted.  I was wondering why it was taking so long.  In the middle, the nurse said, “Ok, I’m getting ready for the second one.”  Second one?!  I didn’t know what that meant.  I was afraid she was going to jab me with 2 needles at once.  Vampire!

Once she was done, I laid there for awhile, trying not to move too much since that’s when I tend to get faint.  She put a piece of gauze on the puncture point and said, “Here, put pressure on this.”  I was like, huh?  Are you crazy lady?!  What part of this aren’t you getting?  I placed my hand over my wound as limply as a piece of bread on carpet when I think she realized her error and changed her plan.  “Oh, better yet, just bend your elbow.”  Yes, much smarter.

I waited a couple more minutes and then started to slowly get up but the nurse had one more shock for me.  “I just need you to verify your name and address,” she said as she waved the blood vials in front of my face.  I immediately started feeling light headed.  I couldn’t help but wonder what was with this woman.  Mental note – next time, no virgins.

I picked up my injured limp arm and more or less carried it out with me like a baby in a cradle.  Ah, peace at last…it was over.  Now, to start ‘pondering’ my appointment for next year.  Sigh.

I Miss/Missed Greta

Greta Gerwig is one of those actresses that seems to be in every movie that I pick up these days.  It’s not like I’m looking for movies that she’s in.  She just somehow, someway seems to appear in the film that I’m watching.  I’m sort of having the same thing with Mark Duplass.  He just keeps popping up in every other movie I pick up and it’s normally a bit of a shock to me since I didn’t realize that he was even in a lot of films to begin with.

I have to admit that Greta Gerwig fascinates me.  She’s certainly an attractive woman but not one that I would call the typical drop dead gorgeous type that we tend to see a lot in cinema.  I have a kind of funny connection to her.  I think, if you could have peered inside my brain when I was 17 years old, she is probably the *picture* of the woman that I thought that I would someday marry.  I don’t actually mean Greta herself, mind you, but someone who more or less looks like her, acts like her characters, and so on.  When I watch movies with her in it, it fills me with an uncanny feeling, like I’ve met her before or that I really do know her.  It’s a bit eerie and soothing at the same time.

 

Greta Gerwig in "Lola Versus"

Gerwig tends to play characters that are sort of socially and sometimes physically awkward, flat footed, self conscious, and often suffering from self esteem issues, and yet she does it all with a sort of grace and charm that I find irresistible.  In essence, that’s the sort of woman that I always thought I would marry.  Does that sound a bit strange?  I’ll bet it does.  It probably speaks volumes about my own self perception.

Whereas I admire a Michelle Williams and occasionally drool over an Ashley Greene, neither of these seem very tangible to me.  Audrey Tautou positively puts a smile on my face like no other and Juliette Binoche is nearly the essence of my fantasies.  And yet, if you put me in a room and asked me to choose from all of the above, I think I’d still opt for Greta.  There’s just a comfort there that’s non-existent in the other options.  Again, tangible, comfortable, but yet still fascinating and mildly puzzling.  I guess that's what it takes.

2012 Film Picks

I’ve been saying the following line for about the past 6-8 months very repeatedly:  “It’s just been a terrible year in film.”  Well, I need to correct that statement a bit and I owe many filmmakers an apology for that loss of faith.  It wasn’t so much that the year was bad for film; it was more that the films that we were lead to believe were the “greats” simply weren’t (i.e. the Academy’s), or in other words, I was watching some of the wrong movies.

I made a point to see every film on the Academy’s nomination list.  It’s kind of a fun thing for me to do annually and I pretty much do it every year now.  This year seemed different from the last couple, though, and hence where my statement came from.  Don’t get me wrong…there isn’t really a “bad” film on the nomination list, in my opinion, but having said that there were also very few “great” films as well.

I think pretty much all film buffs know the Academy’s are rigged, way too political, and nothing to go off of as far as the true best films of any given year.  Having said that, though, I’ve never seen them as far off as they were this year.  I mean, “Silver Linings Playbook”?  Whereas it’s a good film, how in the hell did that get in the nomination’s list?  ‘Nuff said.

I’m therefore offering up my own list of “best of” films for 2012.  I actually get asked this question quite a bit so here it is, in print, and easy for anyone to reference.  I’m not actually putting these in any specific order, though, but I will admit that there is a loosely based one here and there.  I’d say just take it as a list and nothing more.  Enjoy!

“Rust and Bone” – This may in fact be my choice for best film of 2012, hence I’m starting the list with it.  In answering why that is, that’s a bit more difficult.  My only answer is that it’s rather unique in nature, the tone is perfectly done, the acting is superb, and the story is quite intriguing in a very emotional way.  I found this movie to be simply brilliant and was deeply moved by it.

“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” – I was slightly amazed by how much I liked this movie.  Having said that, I will admit to having bias here since the film is almost exactly about my era, meaning I was the same age as the characters in the film, held many of the same attitudes, listened to a lot of the same music, and also was in a similar group of friends.  I’m not usually one for coming of age films but this one really spoke to me and gave me a wonderful bit of nostalgia.  I also give it high marks for relative accuracy and for successfully capturing the feeling of that era.

“The Sessions” – I’m completely shocked by how left out of the Academy’s this movie was.  Whereas I felt the movie did have a few flaws, I gave it high marks simply on how daring a production it was.  Let’s be honest…a film like this wouldn’t have ever been attempted as recently as 5-10 years ago (or would have been completely slaughtered).

“Beasts of the Southern Wild” – One of the few actual Academy nominees for best picture that also made my own list, I think it’s a crime that Quvenzhane Wallis didn’t win best actress (I mean, Jennifer Lawrence…really?).  This is a truly original film and one that has really stuck with me, creeping into my mind every now and then.  I think ‘haunting’ would be the right word and it’s almost more of an experience versus just a film.

“Amour” – I’m completely amazed that this film WAS nominated by the Academy simply because it should have been and it’s of the type that almost always gets overlooked.  An incredibly no holds barred look at the reality of old age and ultimately death and the many different emotions and decisions that come with the territory.  A film that could only come from France for if Hollywood tried to make this same movie it would most likely be a complete joke.

“Life of Pi” – I fully expected to not like this film but I was completely wrong, and I should really keep up my faith in Ang Lee who’s definitely been making some of the best films out there in the past 20 years.  Beautifully shot, very inspirational, and simply a lovely thought provoking film no matter what you particularly believe in spiritually.

“Moonrise Kingdom” – How exactly did this film not get any recognition this year by the Academy?  Sure, it’s technically a comedy, but c’mon…  One of the most refined releases from Wes Anderson to date, I can barely wait to see what he comes up with next.  It’s also a must for anyone that was forced into scouting by their parents!

“Holy Motors” – This is certainly not a film for everybody so please be careful prior to treading down this path.  In fact, it’s probably not for 50% of the American viewing public so consider yourself aptly warned ahead of time.  For the rest of us, though, this is one of the most bizarre and rather insane rides of a film that you’re likely to see in recent memory.  You’ll be puzzled, you’ll laugh out loud, you’ll cringe…it’s all there, if you dare.

“Arbitrage” – Yes, I’m even including a film starring Richard Gere (who was actually quite perfect in this role).  There have been a number of films about corporate greed over the past few years but this one really gets it right, I think.

“Killer Joe” – (literally) Bloody brilliant.  There are just no words for this one.  I’m slowly starting to eat my words in regards to my previous comments about Matthew McConaughey for he’s really perfectly cast in this role.  This is simply a must see.

“The Master” – A film that I think was unfairly slammed by many a critic and filmgoer alike, this movie showcases Joaquin Phoenix’s awkwardness perfectly as the main character who’s suffering from PTSD and struggling to find a place within a society that he doesn’t necessarily feel a part of.  Coupled with performances by Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams, it’s a winner in my book.

“Searching for Sugar Man” – I liken this film to “Winnebago Man”, one of my fav’s from a couple years back, but in a music flavor.  Who wouldn’t be touched by this amazing story of a completely forgotten musical artist who has no clue that he’s bigger than Elvis in South Africa?  If you’re not, I’d suggest checking for a pulse and seeking medical help immediately.

“Celeste and Jesse Forever” – Some people may find this an odd choice coming from me considering my liking of heavier subject matter.  A similar film in content to 2012’s “Take this Waltz”, I much preferred this film overall, both in content, tone, and screenplay.  The film is basically about a couple who are truly best friends and have been for quite some time, and I really felt that it summed up the strange feeling and decision making involved in trying to not lose both your lover and best friend once the relationship portion is beyond repair.  The film left me pondering many various questions in a good way.

“A Late Quartet” – Not to be confused with the similarly named “Quartet” also from 2012, this movie shows an inside look at the workings of classical musicians, fully equipped with drama, scandal, sex, etc., which we normally think of as occurring only in the pop or rock music categories  Superbly acted all the way around with a brilliant cast.

“Ted” – I struggled a bit on whether this film makes the list but alas I cannot leave it off simply because I enjoyed it way too much.  It’s certainly not a perfect film but does stand out in the comedy zone, enough that I nearly spit my drink out a couple times while watching it.  For fans of Family Guy, this film isn’t to be missed.

“A Royal Affair” – Not a perfect film, mind you, but one that left a lasting impression on me, not completely unlike the similar subject matter Kubrick masterpiece “Barry Lyndon”.  I found the film thoroughly enjoyable and highly compelling, and I’ll admit that it’s been lingering in my thoughts ever since.  Skip “Anna Karenina” and see this instead.

“The Intouchables” – No, not “The Untouchables”…different movie ;)  One of the most touching and moving films of 2012 without being too heavy for the average viewer, this French gem is a must see for anyone with even half a heart.

"The Do-Deca-Pentathlon" - Funny, silly, and another minor classic from the Duplass brothers, this film is a fantastic example of what good independent film is all about.

And It Just Keeps Coming

It’s April.  After months of huge piles of white on our lawns, finally…yes, finally…all the snow melted only a few days ago.  I actually saw the grass for a few days (and quite pathetic it looked).  The neighborhood felt weird and ‘flat’ since it had been so long without piles of snow everywhere.  I was just getting used to it and then this morning happened.  Now, we’re white all over again.

Did I mention that it’s April?!  I believe the saying goes “April showers brings May flowers”.  I don’t recall anything about April snow storms bringing anything positive but maybe I’m crazy.

The birds are even all back and I can hear them chirping outside frantically.  I like to imagine them having discussions amongst themselves, saying things like “What the f*$%?!  Whose idea was this?!  Did we take a wrong turn at Albuquerque or somethin’?!!”

The only real consolation to all of this is that we in Minnesota aren’t the only one’s getting it.  This year seems to be quite crazy all over the country.  I think we’re just living in the winter that refuses to end.

When I lived in Arizona, it was the exact opposite.  On a good year, we’d hit 100 degrees during the first week of May (on a bad year, it was *cough* April).  From there, it was literally “Groundhog Day” each and every day until very late October, each day being almost exactly the same – “miserably hot”.  Numbers aren’t even needed for temperatures; it’s just miserably hot, in my opinion at least.  You never really check the weather.  I mean, why bother?  Arizona weathermen have the easiest job in the world, in my book:  “Today, it’s going to be miserably hot and sunny.  In fact, it’ll be just like yesterday…which was like the day before…which will be exactly like tomorrow…”

In Minnesota, we go through a series of fake out’s.  The weather will be warm, give us some confidence, and then SLAM!  Another snow storm hits like a ton of bricks.  It’s like the weather wishes to remind us that we’re always in reach of a white out at any given moment.

And so, we’re still patiently waiting for the official break of Spring, some silent alarm that goes off that signals that life can indeed continue on a more normal basis.  I’m beginning to think that Spring skipped us altogether.  Hopefully Summer and Fall don’t do the same.

A Note about Roger

To say it’s the end of an era is incredibly cliché but in this case quite true.  Now that Roger Ebert is gone, I ask the question that’s been in the back of my mind for quite some time: who exactly do I go to for movie advice from now on?  I feel like a lost dog desperately looking for his pathway home.

The strangest part is that I was just on his blog site only 3 days ago, looking up a couple potential movie choices that I had my eye on.  As I was browsing the list of films, I literally thought in my mind, “Heck…what am I going to do when he’s no longer with us?”  And slam!  3 days later, the announcement is made.

Like many people, I grew up with Roger Ebert, sort of like some children grow up with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (of which I didn’t, btw, and so I’ve never quite understood that mystique but that’s a completely different blog, of course).  Being born and raised early on in the suburbs of Chicago, my sister and I would watch Siskel and Ebert long before they were big time, back when the show was simply called “Sneak Previews”, if my memory at all serves me correctly.  In fact, being a big movie buff to this day, I can’t deny that I owe a lot of the origins of my interest in film to these two gentlemen.  I recall watching their show and seeing snippets of movies that I would never have cared to see whatsoever because, well, I was probably 7 years old, and yet something about these two guys talking, discussing, and occasionally arguing over the films completely caught my interest, eventually getting me to see it.  Two films that stand out in my memory that I watched purely based on their discussion of them were “The Omen” and “Halloween”, the latter being a movie that was probably just released at that time and had yet to be national news.  After listening to Siskel and Ebert debate over it, I knew I had to see it, even if it would scare the living heck out of me and keep me awake at night for months on end.

Later on, of course, Siskel and Ebert became a national sensation and no longer just a Chicago-land secret.  At first it felt like an invasion of privacy but eventually it became to feel normal.  Heck, I don’t mind sharing, really.  I can’t even imagine how many times over the period of my life that I referenced Siskel and Ebert prior to seeing a film.  Again, it’s like they were woven into my psyche.

And then we lost Siskel.  That was devastating and shook me up quite a bit.  Up until that time, I will admit that I always seemed slightly more in line with Gene Siskel’s tastes.  It took me a little while to warm just to Roger on his own but it did happen, almost quite easily and naturally, even though I’ll admit to not really approving of Richard Roeper being named as the replacement.  As I got older, though, I started to appreciate Roger’s opinions and viewpoints more and more.  Over the past ten years or so, his was the only opinion that I truly trusted.

With all the trials of Ebert’s life over the past decade, this day was certainly inevitable.  Still, it somehow leaves me a bit speechless.  I dare say movies will never be quite the same for me without Siskel and Ebert.  All I can say is thank you for sharing your love and knowledge of film with all of us.  I only wish I could return the favor.

A Day in the Life of an Introvert

I just finished another week off of work for the sole purpose of recording.  I’m pleased to say that it went very well, in fact it was probably my most productive session in quite awhile.  I’m sure I’ll write more about this later in some sort of fashion but I’ve really come to the realization that I am the ultimate example of an introvert.  Whereas someone recently said to me, “You haven’t gone out all day…that’s so sad…”, on the contrary, to me at least, this is purely awesome, like a gift from the heavens.  The difficult part is that once I do venture back out into the world, I don’t always know how to react to it.  It’s a funny phenomenon but does indeed occur.

When I’m in recording mode, I tend to begin my day with an hour or so of practicing, rehearsing, whatever you want to call it.  It was then that I discovered that I had made a new friend.  While practicing in the family room, I noticed a rather spunky squirrel hanging around outside the doorway almost the entire time I was playing.  As soon as I stopped playing (and grabbed a camera to try and snap a picture), he disappeared.  At first I thought it was just a fluke until he returned the next day…and the next…and the next.  The strangest part is that as soon as I even think about picking up a guitar, all of my cats immediately exit the room, some even in disgust and not afraid to announce it verbally.  I’ve heard the phrase of being “big in Japan” but evidently I’m big with the squirrels.  I’m not entirely sure what that says about me, however.  Maybe it’s good, maybe not.

Apart from recording, I also watched an enormous amount of films.  I didn’t really count or anything but I’d estimate around 15 perhaps?  Kind of scary.  Again, it plays perfectly into the introvert part of me.  Give me a big TV, a Blu-ray player, a stereo, a couple furry creatures, some instruments, and some means of putting it all down for posterity’s sake and I’m pretty much a happy man.  Oh, and coffee, too.  That’s an essential part of my day.

Speaking of which, this session gave me the opportunity to try out my recently acquired Strat, a guitar that I said I’d probably never buy.  I was always anti-Strat, although now I’m not entirely sure why.  I guess I hated how they were such the standard during the 80’s with almost every single band using them and I’ve always thought they were one of the most boring looking guitars ever made.  I just simply couldn’t understand their popularity when there were beautiful works of guitar art out there like Rickenbackers.  Now, after playing one extensively, I have to admit that I kind of get it.  There’s certainly a very unique tone set in these things that I haven’t really ever achieved with any other guitar.  I still find the tremolo kind of faulty, though, and it doesn’t seem to take much to make it slightly out of tune.  Give me a Bigsby anyday…far superior, in my book, and much cooler looking.

That’s all I’ve got to report right now.  I know this is sort of a strange entry in this blog but I was recently reminded that I hadn’t written anything in awhile and thus this is all I have to report for the moment.  I’m sure I’ll return to idiot observations very, very soon so stay tuned.

Guy in the Puffy Coat

I went the Walker Art Center a couple nights ago to see Laurie Anderson perform her latest piece “DirtDay!”  The Walker’s McGuire Theater, for those who don’t know, is a really neat small theater that suffers from one major flaw:  the seats themselves are extremely tight.  If you’re a modestly wide human being, the sides of the seat will probably hug you like a child hugs its’ teddy bear; if you’re modestly tall, your knees are going to hit the back of the seat in front of you.  I’m not entirely sure why they built the theater in this manner but it’s just something that you’re forced to deal with.  The sight lines, however, no matter where you sit, are unparalleled and the sound is usually fantastic.

I showed up a bit later than I had hoped; only a few moments before the show actually began.  I was in the second row and three seats inward in the middle section.  Two friendly gentlemen where to my left towards the aisle and immediately said hello, allowed me to walk past, and so on.  The guy on the other side simply stared downwards and didn’t exactly look overly friendly.  He was wearing a brown newsboy cap and an orange puffy winter coat.  He was sitting in a manner that his arms were not only lobbing over the very small armrests but also well into the territory of the seats on both sides.

I sat down and was immediately greeted by the man’s arms in my space.  I was a bit shocked.  I kind of thought he would just naturally readjust himself once I sat down but he didn’t.  His left arm was so far into my small seating space that I couldn’t even completely put my right leg flat on my chair so I ended up doing a weird hybrid seating position, not completely unlike unexpectedly sitting on a small turtle underneath your right butt cheek.

I was a bit bewildered.  How was I going to make it through this performance that I so eagerly wanted to see while being so incredibly uncomfortable?  On top of that, I have a pretty bad back, and this awkward position spelled potential danger and aggravation.  I was having visions of suddenly having back spasms in the middle of the performance and screaming out in pain.

Not long after the show began, something rather interesting happened:  the guy got itchy.  He suddenly and very quickly reached up to scratch his temple with his left arm and then returned it back to its’ original position.  Ah ha!  I deduced that this would be the time to strike.  I patiently waited for the next itch, which came along only moments later, and immediately shifted.  Little by little, I started to reclaim my space…all the while NOT looking like I was.  Instead, I made it look like he didn’t put his arm back in exactly the same spot.

This may all seem a bit strange to some of you and I can certainly understand why.  You’re probably thinking, why not just ask the guy to move?  I can’t totally answer that.  I just got a vibe, a rather unfriendly one that said it wasn’t worth it.  Plus, I kind of figured that I’d come up with some bizarre scheme to rectify the situation, of which I did, of course.  Call it a bit of a challenge.

The funny part is that most people would be pretty annoyed with this whole situation.  I’ll admit that I was put off a bit at first but, instead of getting angry, I actually got more sympathetic as the night went on.  It became clear that this guy was more “uncomfortable” than me, whether it be in his clothes, chair, situation, or own skin.  Something wasn’t right and it appeared to me that he was clinging to this space as a sort of last ditch effort of sanity, or maybe esteem.  Rather than be angry at him, I think I sympathized with him.  I ultimately felt sorry for him, I guess.

Heck, if that little bit of space means that much to you, well, take it, or at least until the next itch.

Bones are Better than Bones

I’m eternally the guy that’s somehow and some way stuck in the past when it comes to current events.  I just don’t get it because I’m really not that out of it, as they say, and I think of myself as a relatively modern minded sort of guy.  Still, there are always little tidbits of daily life that completely puzzle me, and when asking someone else about them, I usually get the “have you been living under a rock” look, a look that I’ve grown quite accustomed to.

Take for instance the strangely named Honey Boo Boo phenomenon.  I kept seeing this name pop up all around me and so I finally had to ask a coworker, “Who or what the hell is Honey Boo Boo?”  My initial thought was that it was a cross between a cuddly bear and a band-aid promotion.  It turned out that I was more right than I would have expected, depending upon how you look at it.

I also recently entered the realm of regular television after canceling my long time subscription with DirecTv.  Now, I know, you’re thinking that regular TV channels are included in DirecTv packages so how could I not know about them?  The answer is I simply never tuned to those channels before.  Now you’re getting the picture, aren’t you?

I’ve come across the show “Bones”, apparently a rather popular program that I’ve only heard of previously and never watched more than 2 seconds of.  After watching it for a decent amount of time, I’ve come to the conclusion that they got the name of the show all wrong.  No, it shouldn’t be called “Bones” but instead “Horribly Decayed Flesh”, with the byline of “BEWARE: Don’t try to eat dinner while watching this!”  Being a newbie to the show, I’ve nearly thrown up more than once while attempting to eat my dinner during it.  Let’s just say I don’t recommend this behavior.

The truly fascinating thing is that I’m actually enjoying regular TV more than I liked satellite.  Don’t get me wrong for I miss having a DVR, but then again not having it has cut down on the amount of hours of television that I feel that I HAVE to watch because I recorded it.  I’ve also recently discovered “Family Guy”.  What’s not to love?  If only I had known years ago.

Some Like It Hot

I think it’s finally over. Yes, the summer of excessive heat that’s plagued so much of the US seems to finally be passing away. Here in the Twin Cities, we experienced a solid month of temperatures above 90 degrees, sometimes inches away from the dreaded three digit numbers, and even dipping into them a couple times. In short, it was pretty damn brutal.

As a side effect, my grass started dying at the end of June, begging for water in vain. I eventually broke down and turned on the sprinklers. I don’t usually like wasting water in this sort of manner so I usually only turn the sprinklers on if it’s absolutely necessary. In any event, the grass still seems irritated at me for my delay and is in slow recovery mode.

The times I had to do any work in the yard nearly killed me. On one particular occasion, I unexpectedly started up a conversation with a neighbor after being outside for well over an hour. It wasn’t until I went back inside that I noticed what I looked like: beet red in the face, sweat showing visibly all over my shirt and hat, etc. I can only imagine what I must have smelled like. No wonder she didn’t want to talk much.

You would think that after living in Phoenix, AZ, for 21 years that I could handle a little bit of hot weather in the Midwest. Instead, I think I deal with it even worse today than back then, and no, it has nothing to do with the humidity and all that. For me, humidity doesn’t really affect me much; I sweat either way, you see, so there’s little difference. If the weather is above 80 degrees and I’m outside in the sun for more than 10 minutes, I’m sweating, and there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it. And it ain’t pretty either, if I must say so myself.

The real frustrating part is that someone I know can be right beside me in the same exact temperature and feel a bit “cold”. Meanwhile, I’m sweating. It seems almost absurd that two people’s body temperatures can be so varied in this sort of manner, doesn’t it? And yet, it does seem to be the truth. We all seem to have an internal thermostat and, like body weight scales that are slightly off from one another, very few of us seem to hold the same temperature as “perfect”. Most people like the 80’s; I prefer right around 68. Unfortunately, I don’t do that much better on the flipside of things, like when it’s -20 degrees. I freeze just like everyone else at that point, or, even worse, start sweating a cold sweat.

I wish I could call an A/C or heating specialist to fix my internal thermostat. Ah, if only it was that easy. Or better yet, wouldn’t it be great if it was manually adjustable? I could program it to change automatically every day while I’m at work in order to deal with their harsh air conditioning, but then it could mellow when I get home so my house unit doesn’t have to work as hard. If only it was that easy.

And so, I bid farewell to one of my least favorite summers since living in AZ. As the song says, “Some like it hot…but some sweat when the heat is on.” I guess they had me in mind when writing that lyric.

Slip Slidin' Away

Getting old is hell. This is nothing new, nor is it even a new topic for me. At the same time, though, it can be mildly entertaining and gently amusing at times.

For example, last week, I was sitting in the parking lot at Target during my lunch period from work. I tend to drive over to Target and grab a yogurt, a banana…that sort of thing. We can’t eat at our desks at work and so I usually sit in my car and quickly devour these items while watching various people walking in and out of the store. It doesn’t sound exciting, I know, but it sometimes can be a bit interesting.

On this particular occasion, I noticed something extremely odd. I had already been sitting in my car for a couple minutes and was parked next to one of those large cart corrals where customers can place their shopping carts after wheeling them out into the parking lot. The strange part was that this particular cart corral was slowly moving. I looked in total disbelief. Was it the wind? How can the wind move a cart corral like this that’s made out of metal, plastic, etc.? It was completely puzzling. I stared at it for a few seconds, pondering this bizarre anomaly, before it occurred to me to look forward… Umm…the cart corral wasn’t moving…my CAR was moving!

I quickly applied the brake, just prior to gently colliding with the car parked in front of me! Apparently, when I got in the car, as a now semi senile creature of habit, I not only started my car so that I had some a/c but also released the parking brake and, since my car has a manual transmission, it was free to “roam where it wanted to”. And so, my car evidently was slowly creeping forward for some time without me noticing it.

Now, this was pretty amusing to me since, well, it worked out okay. I’m not entirely sure that I would have been giggling about it as much if I did indeed hit the car in front of me, though. This is a fantastic example, however, of the sort of stupid thing that I find myself doing these days. I’ve never done this sort of thing before. In fact, I’ve always been quite the opposite, an incredible perfectionist. Not anymore. Now that I’m hitting middle age, perfection has flown out the window, or more appropriately helped me slide down the road. It’s actually a little scary.

Senility, here I come…