This is for the Birds

The birds are clearly out to get me. I know that sounds rather Hitchcock-ish of me to say but, well, in this case at least, it appears to be true.

I was walking out of my workplace one day when I noticed a rather remarkable looking black with orange striped bird hanging out on the hood of my car. I didn’t think much of it at the time besides the interesting colored markings on its’ side. I was heading out to lunch with someone who just happened to be parked next to my vehicle so I never really got to fully inspect my car beyond the passenger’s side door.

Later on, when I left for the day hours later, I was completely shocked to see that same bird still hanging out on my car as I approached. It barely seemed even phased by the fact that I was rapidly approaching and was more or less giving me a strange look, as if to say, “Um…what do you think you’re doing?! This is my car.” It finally took off reluctantly when I was merely inches from it.

It was then that the thought hit me, putting two and two together in my head. A bird sitting on my car evidently for hours can only lead to one thing: bird poo. As soon as the thought formed in my brain, I noticed the feared evidence…not so lovely white streaks all up and down my door. Ah yes, the bird evidently visited a buffet sometime that day, or perhaps called its’ friend over for a poo party.

My car is black and so it was pretty obvious that there was something on it, although at a fast glance it kind of looked like spray paint from far away. Needless to say, I could have done without the bird’s take on artwork. I drove home and promptly wiped it off with some paper towels.

I was even more shocked the next day to find the same freakin’ bird once again parked on top of my car’s hood. Um…?! Once again, it looked at me like I had a ton of nerve getting between it and my car. Needless to say, the “artwork” was back again, this time even greater than before.

The bird flew a couple feet away once I got near the driver’s side door but didn’t go any further, all the while watching me carefully, probably hoping I’d simply get out of the car and wander off so it could get back to business. It was almost like the bird and my car were having some sort of weird interspecies/mechanical love affair. Odd.

This time, I decided to just get my car washed. After doing so, I figured I’d outsmart the bird and simply not park anywhere near that spot again. Hah! Take that, you feather brained f***!

The next morning, I stopped off at a local coffee shop very briefly to pick up my morning brew. I was in there no more than 2 minutes. I returned to my car, coffee in hand, and found a very large splat of white bird poo perfectly splattered downward over my driver’s side door handle.

Call me crazy but I took it clearly as a message sent by some hit man styled bird, telling me that resistance was futile, and to park my car back in the usual spot at work.

Damn, these creatures are orchestrated.

Top 15 Signs You're a Midwesterner

15. You believe pork chops are fine cuisine and the thought of ever eating a vegetable simply terrifies you

14. You can't help but drive alongside 2-3 other drivers on the freeway, thus creating an automobile "wall" that none can pass through or get around

13. You’re convinced that anyone who chooses not to drink alcohol must be a recovered alcoholic

12. You think of the start of hunting season as a "holiday"

11. The idea of fishing in 5 degree weather in a small outhouse styled shack seems strangely appealing to you

10. You mistakenly think of the left lane of the freeway as the "slow" lane. Actually, you think of all lanes as the slow lane

9. You measure your own self-worth by how green your grass is

8. You enjoy a *good* parade

7. You don’t drink soda, you drink “pop”

6. You’re more concerned about your teams’ recent loss in football rather than politics or the state of the union

5. You feel that having your t-shirt tucked into your jeans, blatantly exposing a large bowling ball of a belly, is a fashion trend that never quite goes out of style

4. You don’t understand why anyone would wear a jacket that doesn’t have a large walleye on the back of it

3. You see no need in ever driving faster than 35 mph

2. The highlight music extravaganza of your year is the annual Styx/REO Speedwagon/Foreigner concert at the local casino, no matter how many actual original members show up

1. You actually think marching bands are cool